Order of the Phoenix A Different View
by Sham Harga
Summary: (Formerly Order of the Phoenix film sript EXCLUSIVE) PPG13 - for language. Want to know how the fifth book will be brought to life? Changed format. Small fun poked at the films. I couldn't do better, but a least I recognise Fred & George as geniuses. 11 u
1. Dudley Demented

A/N: This is my first attempt at fan fiction and as such I hold no high expectations of it – and if you do you know something I don't. The following stab at humour may need explaining. The premise is that, given how disappointed I was with the first two films, I have decided to try to describe how I imagine the fifth book will be treated when converted to film. This is all in harmless fun. I do not intend to offend anybody at all. Invariably I will, so this is a pre-emptive apology, and any flames will be received graciously with a small whimper as I hide behind my desk. Any reviews will be received with a cookie.  
  
Disclaimer: I shall cover this with a big umbrella statement of 'not mine'. Any of it. Sadly. HP is JKs, and no doubt people such as Terry Pratchett, the Pythons and Douglas Adams will be cursing my plagiarism, I mean, homages to them by the time this is over. It's a compliment guys.  
  
Anyway, here goes, the script for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. (Or Harry Potter and the Magic Bird Group for US screenings. This is not a jibe at Americans – but rather the condescending publishers who assume that they will not know the meaning of "Philosopher". Give them some credit, please)  
  
FADE IN: (If you can see above the pointy wizards hat of some obsessive fan, who thinks sporting a black cape, Coke bottle glasses and a scar drawn on in red felt tip will somehow make it all REAL. Kids, only what you can see and touch is the truth. The pink goblins told me so. N.B. You COULD ask pointy headed someone to remove their hat, but bear in mind it could be Granny Weatherwax, and I would not advice anyone to offend her, for fear of being headologied .. headolified ... headologyisioned. Whatever, you have been warned.  
  
Anyway, FADE IN: EXT. A NAMELESS STREET. (A/N: Yes, I KNOW it's Privet Drive, but this is an expression used to describe somewhere that could be anywhere. Not in a philosophical sense, but it is typical of its category. Which is English suburbia. Which is the same as American suburbia. Except that it's smaller, poorer and generally a lot less eventful) The camera swoops into a close up on a particular garden (swoops – teehee – kinda like an owl... geddit? I need a hobby). Close up on our hero, Harry Potter, "The Boy Who Lived", Hero of the wizarding world. In a flowerbed.  
  
JK: I know I'm not really a part of this but just thought I  
should mention that Harry Potter is not like ordinary boys, he  
is in fact ... (drum roll please) a WIZARD!  
  
AUDIENCE: Yeah?  
  
JK: Just thought you should know.  
  
AUDIENCE: We do.  
  
JK: I make a point of mentioning it at the beginning of every  
book.  
  
AUDIENCE: In case we've been living on an island for the past  
five years and the phenomena of the great HP has passed us by?  
  
JK: It's feasible.  
  
AUDIENCE: Even if that were so – do you really think the first  
action someone would take once escaping from solitude on an  
island would be to come and watch a blockbuster movie?  
  
WARNER BRS: We damn well hope so. We spend enough on  
advertising. Incidentally, if you  
have just returned from a sojourn on a remote island, why not  
pick up a Harry Potter Rehabilitation Pack from all good toy  
stores? Ker-ching!  
  
TOM HANKS: Gee thanks. (breaks down) WIIILSON!  
  
AUDIENCE: OK – lets run through this. We've come to see Harry  
Potter. We have paid an extortionate amount of hard-earned money  
to see this film, which is no less than the FIFTH of the multi-  
million pound franchise. Can we please assume that thanks to the  
power of advertising we at least know a LITTLE of the story?  
  
HARRY: PLEASE? I've been lying in this uncomfortable  
flowerbed for the entire time you've been squabbling. Wait!  
There's a random noise!  
  
HARRY totally OVERREACTS and LEAPS UP, reaching for his WAND  
  
VERNON: WHAT THE?  
  
HARRY: Oh crap.  
  
VERNON: You! Boy! What – are – you – doing – there?!  
  
HARRY: Listening to the news  
  
VERNON: As I am a one dimensional character, while seeming  
to have too little malice for people to believe I lock you in  
cupboards, my one function is to be unreasonable, and as such I  
have a problem with that.  
  
HARRY: Huh?  
  
VERNON: I suppose you are listening for word on Voldemort?  
Has it not occurred to you that if he does appear on the news  
that it is too late anyway?  
  
HARRY: What?  
  
VERNON: Or are you seriously so arrogant that you think you  
alone can avert impending doom.  
  
HARRY: I'VE HANDLED MORE THAN ANYONE! I'VE GOT RID OF  
RIDDLE, I'VE SEEN VOLDEMORT..."  
  
VERNON: (Interrupting) Hang on a minute, you're too early  
with that rant. Now storm off like the sulky irrational teen  
that you are.  
  
HARRY: You can't tell me what to do  
  
HARRY STORMS OFF like the SULKY IRRATIONAL TEEN that he is –  
with a moody,  
constipated (of course I mean, conflicted) expression to –  
probably – a POP PUNK  
SOUNDTRACK. This is ACTING.  
HARRY comes across his cousin DUDLEY  
DUDLEY is a BULLY and is therefore portrayed as large, stupid  
and probably a skinhead. This is  
known as a STEREOTYPE, but this is film so what does that  
matter?  
  
HARRY: You're fat  
  
DUDLEY: You're weird and cry in your sleep.  
  
This revelation, along with a close up on HARRY's TORTURED,  
PAINED EXPRESSION, should  
arouse the AUDIENCE's SYMPATHY.  
  
AUDIENCE: Really? He started it. Serves him right. Should pick  
his fights better.  
  
HARRY and DUDLEY continue to ARGUE UNECESSARILY to reach the  
nearest PLOT POINT  
  
DEMENTOR: Wooooo ... I have just got time to nip in in between  
fill in shots for Return of the King. To tell you the truth I'm  
pretty glad to get off the horse.  
  
HARRY: Aaaaarrgh! A dementor!  
  
DEMENTOR: Only on the weekends. At other times I'm the  
Witchking of Agmar. I apparently cannot be defeated by man,  
Gandalf's scared of me, even though Aragorn evidently kicked my  
sorry arse in the Fellowship with only a big fiery stick.  
  
HARRY: No man can kill you?  
  
DEMENTOR: Nope  
  
HARRY: How about a woman?  
  
DEMENTOR: That would just be stupid and pedantic.  
  
HARRY: OK, well, how about a stupid wisp of smoke?  
  
HARRY produces a PATRONUS  
  
DEMENTOR: Noooooo....  
  
The DEMENTOR returns to PETER JACKSON, a hairy god among men.  
  
DUDLEY: Aaaaaah!  
  
ARABELLA FIGG arrives  
  
A. FIGG: I'm here, and I'm a squib!  
  
HARRY: WHAT?  
  
AUDIENCE: No kidding? Geez, I mean it doesn't take a genius to  
link the names Mrs Figg and Arabella Figg, does it? Especially  
not when she's been gratuitously name dropped at least 50 times  
in the series.  
  
A. FIGG: I'm also dressed in carpet slippers with my hair in  
disarray and a shopping bag flying all over the show. This will  
be milked for all the comic relief it can provide for those with  
short attention spans. And I'm sure there was something else... oh  
yes... I am going to kill Mundungus Fletcher!  
  
AUDIENCE: OOOOH! WHY? C'mon the suspense is killing us. Flick  
to the next chapter... or watch the next scene. What a tense  
finish!  
  
Well, there you go...  
Not sure how that'll go down, but please R&R, so I can improve  
it. Sorry it's short, but I'll see how  
this one goes down before I search for more jokes to make about  
the fabulous, and fabulously  
rich JKR...  
  
Sham.  
P.S Extra points to those who know where my name comes from. 


	2. A Peck of Owls

WOW! Great response for my first effort makes me VERY happy. In fact so happy I have had a huge spurt of inspiration and have decided to submit a new chapter asap. So if it's rushed and rubbish you lovely reviewers have only yourselves to blame. (j/k, this is but a pathetic attempt to cover my own back if I'm lousy).  
  
Anyways, these lovely reviewers will get a little special mention because I've seen this done and think it's cool. My enormous gratitude for such encouragement.  
  
Marauder-obsessed – Your spelling is fine – and at least YOU can tell the difference between Philosopher and Sorcerer, that's been bugging me for AGES  
  
Bookluva87 – Woohoo! Another person with a penchant for the word YAY! I'm not the only one!  
  
Starhawk9 – I watched the first and vowed not to go near any more. Then curiosity got the better of me and I watched some of the 2nd.... BIG MISTAKE.  
  
JBlack – Ta, and is JBlack any relation to the master Jack Black? If it is I'm very happy. If not, you gave a nice review so I loves ya anyways  
  
And Rach, my sister, and scarily enough my mystery lover apparently, thanks for reading this first and telling me it wasn't too rubbish to share.  
  
So on with the show...  
  
Chapter 2: A peck of owls...  
  
Is that a typo? Pack of owls? E is pretty near A on the keyboard. But wait, didn't JKR write this on sugar packets and used tissues? OH! I geddit! It's a joke! Riiiight.. a-ha a-HA...  
  
The story so far...  
  
HARRY, our 'Hero' has just encountered DEMENTORS. He has also discovered that his "AMUSINGLY BATTY NEIGHBOUR", MRS FIGG, is a squib  
  
(if you don't know what that is I suggest you read HP before looking at the fan fics for it, walk before you can skydive and everything). Her blunt manner and language – example – "fat bottom" – is down to earth and FUNNY – FUNNY I tell you!  
  
MUNDUNGUS arrives, who promises to be an interesting character but as he isn't 100% perfect or tragic he gets far too little time.  
  
MUNDUNGUS: You see, I was....  
  
And we move straight onto HARRY  
  
HARRY: (interrupting) Why couldn't I have a skinnier cousin? Or meet some nice people?  
  
DUDLEY: Uuurrrrgh...  
  
VERNON: Have you been mugged son?  
  
AUDIENCE: (rolling eyes) He's probably over 20 stone, without  
a scratch on him. And the pathetic weedy one is perfectly fine...  
  
HARRY: HEY! Weedy? And fine? I've been dragging this lump  
around for ages, my friends won't talk to me, and I've had to  
fight...  
  
AUDIENCE: Quit your whining, there's plenty worse off than  
you. You have over 700 pages left in which to wallow in self  
pity. Anyway, Vernon mate, what part of this situation looks  
like a mugging?  
  
VERNON: Ruddy-Dudders (insert alternative gross nickname  
here, one that any normal person would have told their parents  
to stop calling them by the age of 7) Who – did – this – to –  
you?  
  
DUDLEY: I have no evidential proof, I saw nothing, clearly  
heard him say don't go near them, but I'm grumpy about being  
typecast as a stupid, bullying skinhead, so I'll say – HIM!  
  
HARRY: You ungrateful sod. (Whilst I appear to have been  
abused by this stunningly undeveloped family I still have no  
fear of the consequences of insulting family members. This makes  
me BRAVE, not arrogant and stupid.)  
  
VERNON: YOU – BOY!!! What – have – you – done – to – my –  
son?!!  
  
An OWL arrives, only to nearly drown in the spray of unnecessary  
punctuation  
  
MINISTRY: You're expelled  
  
JK: "Harry read the letter through twice"  
  
HARRY: Whaddya have to go and say that for? Now I sound  
stupid...  
  
JK: You are – most of the audience realized Snape COULDN'T  
have been the baddie in the Philosopher's Stone (A/N: The  
Special Rock in the States – sorry – that's specially for  
Marauders-obsessed, I think I'm overlabouring that point) by the  
fifth time I mentioned he was doing something suspicious. It's  
called misdirection, jackass.  
  
The orchestra kicks in a little late with low deep meaningful  
music signifying that Harry's world is O-V-E-R  
  
HARRY: I'm going.  
  
VERNON: You! Stay – and – fix – my – son!  
  
Another OWL arrives  
  
ARTHUR: Stay  
  
HARRY: I'm staying  
  
VERNON: What – happened?  
  
HARRY: Since it doesn't occur to me to lie, I'll tell you  
the truth even though it won't mean anything to you – it was  
DEMENTORS  
  
PETUNIA: Dementors?  
  
HARRY: How the hell do you know?  
  
PETUNIA: Jesus boy, I was your bloody mother's sister for  
over two decades, I did pick SOME THINGS up. Idiot.  
  
VERNON: Dementoes?  
  
AUDIENCE: He got the name wrong. We feel superior and this is  
also funny.  
  
VERNON: Demintyfreshness?  
  
Some of the audience fall off their seats laughing this is so  
funny. Some of the audience need to spend more time outdoors.  
  
VERNON: Dismembers? They – must – be – after – you! You!  
Boy! OUT!  
  
HARRY: I! Stay! You! Git! Jeez, do you KNOW how much spit  
you release with each exclamation?  
  
Another OWL enters, this one a poor CG one as the studio have  
run out of stunt owls. DUDLEY looks slightly larger and rather  
guilty.  
  
SIRIUS: Stay.  
  
HARRY: OK! Godammit! I'm staying.  
  
VERNON: Demisters?  
  
HARRY: YES! Probably sent by Voldemort. He's back by the  
way. Thought I'd mention it to you who it means nothing to,  
  
PETUNIA: Holy crap.  
  
HARRY: You know? Again?  
  
JKR: "All of a sudden, for the very first time in his life,  
Harry fully appreciated that Aunt Petunia was his mother's  
sister. He could not have said why it hit him so fully at this  
moment."  
  
The AUDIENCE becomes terribly excited as this is a CLUE, and  
many will go on to create more and more elaborate stories as to  
why this was. Probably including incest and resurrection. This  
worked well for the Bible, so why not? (A/N: This is merely an  
aside, not a pointed comment. I will accept criticism for this  
though.)  
  
VERNON: OUT!!!  
  
A HOWLER arrives, which looks suspiciously like a big red CG  
hand puppet.  
  
DISMEMBERED VOICE: Remember my last Petunia.  
  
In film form something will happen to the voice to disguise it  
as Dumbledore's. When writing it is easy for JK to omit that  
valuable piece of information, and just requires us to believe  
that Harry is so ignorant he wouldn't recognize a voice he has  
known for years.  
  
AUDIENCE: Remember my last Petunia? OOOOH GOODY! Another CLUE...  
  
HARRY: Wow, what a threatening message  
  
PETUNIA: Vernon – the twerp stays. Now excuse me as I go  
upstairs to change my underwear.  
  
The twerp stays. Petunia changes her underwear. Dudley recovers  
almost immediately and goes up in secret to water his orchids.  
Just because he's a bully doesn't mean that's all there is to  
him.  
  
VERNON: DEMENTED? Hur hur...  
  
Sorry it's not as good as the first – but please keep R&Ring and it WILL improve. I promise. 


	3. The Advance Guard Or Inept Family

Thankyou for the continued encouragement. Sorry I'm only tackling one chapter at a time, but a little and often is a recommended diet. Just to clear up a few things. I'm sure it is obvious I detest the films, but I AM a huge fan of the books. Just some things confuse/amuse me sometimes. I reserve my right to make fun of them, as if JK had a problem she could easily make sure I was impaled on a souvenir pointy hat. In defence of later British comment I'd like to say I am such a person described and have summarily kicked my own arse for such a slur against my kind. This should also explain my spelling. Oh, and any American comments are totally in jest but if anyone is offended then tell me and I will get my best friend Alex, with whom I have continual Yank/Brit arguments, and he will be more than willing to inflict several forms of hell onto my fragile female form. OK? Right.  
  
Disclaimer: again: to be sure: HP is still not mine. Sadly. Still not rich. Sadly.

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HARRY is in his room. While seemingly unscarred by the fact he is locked in and being fed through a cat flap, he is thouroughly PISSED OFF by the lack of letters from his friends. He NEEDS to sort out his priorities (sorry – that line needed a small mention on account of being the most irritating in PS.) HARRY shows his bad temper with an expression that looks like his eyebrows are attempting to migrate to beneath his nose. Try it, you'll see what I mean. And look pretty dumb too.  
  
VERNON: You! Boy! We're – going – out!  
  
HARRY: Aren't you a little scared to do that? While you're  
out I could easily call for help. I'm sure the social services  
would be keen to know why you lock me in a room and feed me  
through a cat flap.  
  
PETUNIA: Not at all. Nobody mentioned a thing even when  
Vernon got his fat arse up a ladder to fix bars to your window.  
The bars were hardly inconspicuous, nor was the flying car that  
removed them, but surely the fact that he could lift his heavy  
load up there without breaking the ladder would cause comment.  
But no, and this is because our neighbours are middle class  
suburban Brits. As such they are stupid, ignorant, and above all  
else, very dull.  
  
HARRY: Whatever. Like I'd bother to complain to anyone  
anyway. Y'know, sometimes I wonder if this bothers me at all.  
  
VERNON: Shut – up. We're – going!  
  
They leave. HARRY watches paint dry for a while, then hears  
something downstairs, shadowy figures are in the hall. Tense  
music strikes up for the sake of the audience in case they  
haven't realized the imminent danger. HARRY once more reaches  
for his WAND.  
  
MOODY: Put that damn thing away boy. Hells, we managed to  
get into your house and open your door. You're screwed if we  
want to kill you.  
  
HARRY: Professor Moody?  
  
MOODY: Well, never really got to be a professor did I? I  
mean, I'm supposed to be the most vigilant Auror around right?  
But I find myself taken off guard and overpowered by a single  
man. Not even at his peak may I add. Plus the fact that people  
I'd known forever didn't recognize the change in me, and nobody,  
not even that git Malfoy thought to complain that I was using  
Unforgivables. You'd've thought he'd do anything to get a  
teacher, especially a supposed Auror in trouble. And why on  
earth did that idiot Crouch help you overcome the Unforgivables?  
Great way to help his master, that, making you stronger. I'd've  
continually slipped you degenerative poison or something. P'raps  
that's because I've got more than one brain cell to keep the  
other company. Ah well, the mind boggles.  
  
HARRY: Errrr  
  
UGLY GIT: Come on Harry, we haven't got all day you know.  
  
HARRY: Professor Lupin?  
  
UGLY GIT: That's me  
  
An attractive looking stranger enters (to me he's a little like Sean Bean) and steps in front of the ugly git. This is LUPIN.  
  
LUPIN: No it damn well ain't. I'M Remus Lupin. Moody, you  
thought you had it bad Crouch pretending to be you? Look at what  
they tried to do to me in the third film! As if ANYONE could  
possibly believe this rat looking fool could play me. He's a dam  
imposter.  
  
LUPIN does some special effects laden kung fu to kick UGLY GIT  
back to whatever deranged LSD fuelled casting room he came from.  
Just to appease me. Ain't I special?  
  
LUPIN: Now that's sorted, where were we?  
  
TONKS: I was about to appear. Wotcher Harry!  
  
HARRY: Wotcher? What the - ?  
  
TONKS: It's an expression stolen from Terry Pratchett to  
try and make me sound young and cool.  
  
NANNY OGG briefly nips in to steal her catchphrase back. But not  
before trying to proposition HARRY and LUPIN.  
  
HARRY: Wotcher?  
  
WARNING: Never try to use 'cool' words to get in touch with the  
homies ('the youth of today') because the word will become wack  
(unfashionable) in a week in any case, and the very fact you're  
trying to sound 'fly' (cool) will make you sad (uncool) anyway.  
[A/N: Sorry for the unused and outdated expressions, but I feel  
that therefore a point has been well made]  
  
TONKS: Whatever, girlfriend. I'm brill anyway because my  
face changes.  
  
Insert some expensive CG face changing that lasts 3 seconds but  
eats up a fifth of the budget, leaving no money for plot,  
costumes, acting etc.  
  
LUPIN: Come on, lets go.  
  
HARRY: Wait – there's plenty more people downstairs. Don't  
I get to meet them?  
  
LUPIN: You would in the book, however, in the film only the  
main characters will be introduced. Hang on  
  
LUPIN clicks his fingers to remove the other shadowy figures.  
  
LUPIN: Right, lets be off.  
  
HARRY: Cool, how?  
  
LUPIN: We're going to fly in a long, cold and tedious broom  
formation.  
  
HARRY: Really?  
  
AUDIENCE: Really?  
  
HARRY: Why couldn't you just double apparate me there or  
something?  
  
AUDIENCE: Yeah, that'd be pretty cool. As long as the effects  
are better than the Floo Powder scene.  
  
LUPIN: No – we're sticking to something we know. There'll  
already be enough surprisingly previously unmentioned additions  
to Hogwarts with Luna and the thestrals, never mind discovering  
that people can Double Apparate. I mean, why wasn't it used  
before? It's like in Star Wars Episode 2 where R2 D2 learns to  
fly. Wouldn't he have used it before? Never mind how helpful  
that would have been in IV, V and VI...  
  
HARRY: OK, point taken. Big broom formation it is.  
  
They mount their brooms. Then realize how stupid the formation  
is with only 3 others.  
  
TONKS: Looks like we're going to have to bring back the  
others.  
  
CUT TO: Mid flight, 7 other figures have appeared from nowhere.  
  
AUDIENCE: What the hell? Where did they come from? You can't  
just add characters so the scene looks good. Who are they?  
  
LUPIN: Don't worry, the production team will sort it out.  
  
The production team solve the problem. By ignoring it and hoping  
it will go away.  
  
AUDIENCE: Wait! You can't do that. That's like just skipping  
the flight to get to the destination quicker.  
  
CUT TO: A misty moor in front of a looming castle.  
  
AUDIENCE: Oh right. Well, the broom sequence reeked of green  
screen anyway.  
  
LUPIN: What the hell? This isn't 12 Grimmauld Place.  
  
PRODUCTION: We thought a castle would be more appropriate.  
  
LUPIN: You can't mess with the facts like that.  
  
PRODUCTION: We have in the past. Plenty of times. Omitting best  
lines, taking away the Malfoy/Weasley fight. I mean, just look  
at what we did to you.  
  
LUPIN has to be physically restrained.  
  
TONKS: Put us back.  
  
PRODUCTION: Oh all right.  
  
CUT TO: A shadowy London street.  
  
HARRY: Where are we?  
  
MOODY: Memorise this  
  
HARRY is shown a piece of paper with the words 12 Grimmauld  
Place to memorise. Most of the audience do as well, and many  
obsessive fan boys form links between this and our old friend  
the Grim. Many also need to taste fresh air.

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Well, that's the third part, a little short and dull, but more  
reviews means more chapters. And no offence intended to fan boys  
– who I'm sure will notice the irony seeing as I'm one myself.  
  
Tune in soon for the next thrilling installment : Number Twelve  
Grimmauld Place  
  
A place name? For a thrilling chapter? We'll have to do  
something about that 

Sham. 

P.S. My name is from Terry Pratchett's Discworld books


	4. Fireball! Don't like a place name title

WOW! Still more reviews! That makes me all warm and tingly. Or something a little less cliched. Well, I finally got my computer back up and running, sorry it's been a little while.  
  
Just a quick Q before we begin. I'm working on a small fic based primarily around the Marauders. Now, just want to know, does anyone waste their time on cliched, slushy, unrealistic Mary Sue storylines any more? Or am I totally wasting my time? Actually, don't answer that, sadly I already know. Ah well... for my entertainment only then.  
  
But on to tonight's show... or something. Uh – oh – I feel a bout of Harry's-CAPS-Tourettes coming on...  
  
START THE DAMN FIC ALREADY!

Number 12, Grimmauld Place  
  
Harry Potter is an unusual boy in many ways. Well, one way really. He is a wizard. Which is only unusual assuming you're not one yourself. Or if you don't know who Harry Potter is. Which I'm assuming you do, otherwise what are you doing here? And if you do know who he is then this is not unusual at all. Oh, and he defeated the most evil wizard of all time last year. Sort of. And the year before, and a few times before that. Anyway, what IS strange is that Ron and Hermione manage to last the entire chapter without bashing Harry's spoilt little brains out.  
  
THE STORY SO FAR:  
  
Harry has spent the summer at his aunt and uncle's house all alone. To blow off steam he defeated some Dementors. He's probably about to be kicked out of Hogwarts. Well, we all know he can't be otherwise this film would be pretty short and dull, BUT, the tense music in the background suggests the director believes there is some suspense to be found here and is intent on milking it for all it's worth.  
  
Harry is standing on a cold street in London expecting to be taken to the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix but all he has been given is a scrap of paper with the words  
  
'The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix may be found at number twelve Grimmauld Place, London'  
  
The camera focuses on this writing in a close up for a considerable time, giving the slower readers enough time to digest this dificult information...  
  
...still close up....  
  
...aren't you done yet?...  
  
OK, the camera pans up to reveal the house numbers and their unnecessarily quirky occupants... number ten (loud music and punk hairstyles), number eleven (indistinct shapes through the curtains, are they having sex? Surely not – this is a family film!), number thirteen (three Stormtroopers watching – blink and you'll miss it! You'll have to pause your DVD at the exact time to catch this – seriously it'll take you at least 2 hours... you still want to do it? It's gonna be worth it at the end? Whatever, it's your weekend not mine – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! Talk about ironic) ... but wait! No number twelve! Tense, eh?  
  
LUPIN: Think about what you've just memorised  
  
HARRY shuts his eyes and screws up his face, a clear sign that his cognitive functions are working.  
  
JKR: Harry thought, and no sooner had he reached the part about number twelve Grimmauld Place, than a battered door emerged out of nowhere between numbers eleven and thirteen, followed swiftly by dirty walls and grimy windows. It was as though an extra house had inflated, pushing those on either side out of its way. [This will involve a lot of irritating Cat in the Hat style CG. As per.] Harry gaped at it. The stereo in number eleven (A/N: OK, I know I said it was number ten, just let it slide OK? The joke worked better that way. Anyway – they could be listening to Barry White. You STILL don't think they're doing it?) thudded on. Apparently the Muggles inside hadn't felt anything.  
  
AUDIENCE: What? So how did this happen? Did Harry thinking about it call it into being? Or was it always there it was just Harry's perception that altered? And if so why did it move like that then? And is the piece of paper magic? Because surely Muggles thought about the lack of a Number Twelve. Why didn't the paper get torn up? Isn't it a bit dangerous to be carrying that around the whole time? What about the people inside? Is there any movement for them? Or are they always constant? Can you hear sounds from inside? And if Lupin's been there before could he see it and Harry not? And could he enter the house when Harry was still blind to it? And what would Harry see if Lupin went into the house Harry can't see? Does it operate on a  
different wavelength to normal optical wa -  
  
MOODY: Shut the hell up. And you boy, get inside.  
  
They enter a derelict house, covered in serpents and black and all sorts of interesting design that us sadly passed over in a second to see a very wasted talent of Julie Walters as  
  
MRS WEASLEY: Hello Harry dear. Instead of the firm yet sweet and generally likeable character presented in the books for some reason in the films I am interpreted as a rather irrtating, how would I put it? Oh yes, fusspot.  
  
MRS WEASLEY hugs Harry before flapping some more  
  
MRS WEASLEY: Oh Harry. Lovely to see you. You look peaky, we'll feed you up. All of a flutter. Oooh – I'm flustered. We have a VERY IMPORTANT MEETING.  
  
MRS WEASLEY checks to make sure she has the audience's interest peaked.  
  
MRS WEASLEY: Now pop upstairs and see Ron and Hermione there's a good lad, while we have our VERY IMPORTANT MEETING.  
  
HARRY complains a little to stay in character and then does as he's told.  
  
HARRY climbs the stairs, attention focusing this time on the serpents decorating everything.  
  
JKR: Harry's bewilderment deepened with every step he took. What on earth were they doing in house that looked as though it belonged to the Darkest of wizards?  
  
AUDIENCE: It probably does. Or did. Simple. Why does the boy have to make everything complicated?  
  
HARRY opens a bedroom door to find two absolute strangers.  
  
HARRY: What the - ?  
  
HERMIONE: It's me, Hermione!  
  
RON: (Looks confused before saying) I'm Ron. I think.  
  
The two strangers are in fact Hermione and Ron. However, since WB continue to use the same actors for continuity's sake, some things are slightly odd.  
  
HARRY: But – you look about 24! That's not right! Aren't we supposed to be 15?  
  
HERMIONE: You're no spring chicken yourself Harry boy.  
  
HARRY glances in the mirror to see that he does indeed look about 10 years older than he should. HERMIONE puts a reassuring arm around his shoulder.  
  
HERMIONE: Don't worry Harry. They did it on Dawson's Creek, and nobody said a thing. And we're not talking in inner psychobabble either.  
  
RON proves this point by looking scared and letting out a small scream. For no reason. He just seems to do it a lot in the films.  
  
HERMIONE: So, how have you been? I will turn out to not only be super smart, but also very insightful, and as such can tell that you're not in the best of moods.  
  
HARRY: Yes, as a matter of fact I am a little downcast. You see, I've been feeling a little, how do you say – 'out of the loop' and am somewhat perturbed th-  
  
AUDIENCE: Oh, God. Tortured poor little soul Harry is wearing a bit thin. He's more sickly than toffee popcorn dipped in the melted chocolate that you get off the Maltesers when you squeeze them between your knees for twenty minutes... mmmm  
  
JKR: Really? OK, shit. Quick development of character to meet audience demands ... and - there we go...  
  
JKR does some swift typing and HARRY promptly explodes.  
  
HAARY: I'VE BEEN STUCK AT THE DURSLEYS FOR MONTHS I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO ANYBODY I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON  
  
RON looks bewildered.  
  
HARRY: I'VE HANDLED MORE THAN YOU TWO – WHO SAVED THE PHILOSOPHERS STONE?  
  
HERMIONE: Well, all of us, kind of... I mean, Ron figured the chess set, and you couldn't have got past the flames without me, and we all did the key catching together. And you'd have been done for by the plant if it weren't for my knowledge. When you think about it, all you really did was touch the pathetic gimp in a turban. It's not that hard.  
  
CHRIS COLOMBUS: Actually, that's no longer 100% true. The key chasing was made into an absolutely thrilling chase with keys... (KEYS? For God's sake. No wonder he got fired.) Ron looked like a tit on a fake horse, and your part in the whole thing was practically made redundant. Sorry, but Harry's the hero here.  
  
HERMIONE looks as bewildered as RON  
  
HARRY: WHO DEFEATED TOM RIDDLE? WHO SAVED BOTH YOUR SKINS FROM THE DEMENTORS?  
  
HERMONE: (muttering) Well, I WAS only the first one to figure out what the hell the creature was. And that woman (glares at JKR) only lets the hero do interesting thing like learning to conjure a Patronus. Technically you only got to do that because you're a nancy boy who faints at the sight of them. Plus, actually conjuring one was a bit of a fluke. 'I thought it was my dad' indeed, overly sentimental to say the least.  
  
HARRY: WHO HAD TO GET PAST DRAGONS AND SPHINXES AND EVERY OTHER FOUL THING LAST YEAR?  
  
FLEUR: (In appalling French accent) Moi. I deed, leelte 'Arry.  
  
KRUM: (Sounds like he should be called Count Krum. Wearing an operatic wedge haircut and fangs) Ja. It vas ferry difficult vor me alzo. Hello Hermoninny. (This mispronunciation makes the audience feel superior, and allows them to laugh at the stupid oaf. A/N: I like Krum, don't get me wrong)  
  
RON looks annoyed. This is too much effort so returns to being bewildered.  
  
AMOS DIGGORY: My son had to. Be thankful you're alive you little git.  
  
All the GIRLS in the AUDIENCE start crying for whichever over-ratedly beautiful bloke they chose to play CEDRIC. You know, the one chosen for looks, rather than his ability to deliver a whopping three lines.  
  
HERMIONE: And you wouldn't even have managed without help from the scores of random people JKR dug up just so you wouldn't fail. Cedric, Hagrid, Dobby, and Crouch to name but a few. And that's not even going into how biased the judging was.  
  
HARRY: (Continuing unabashed) WHO SAW HIM COME BACK? WHO HAD TO ESCAPE FROM HIM? ME!  
  
HERMIONE notices how bored the audience is getting.  
  
AUDIENCE: Suppose it's our faults really. Ape shit Harry is marginally better than WonderHarry. At least we feel something for him. Feel like we want to stick his head through a brick wall, but that's something, right?  
  
HERMIONE resolves the situation using her final trusty resort. She promptly bursts into tears.  
  
Everybody feels awkward watching a teenage girl crying unecessarily until salvation arrives in the form of – drumroll please – FRED and GEORGE.  
  
GEORGE: Hello Harry, thought we heard your dulcet tones  
  
FRED: You don't want to bottle up your anger like that Harry, let it all out. There may be a couple of people fifty miles away who -  
  
PRODUCTION: Actually, scrap these guys. Uninteresting and unecessary.  
  
AUDIENCE: WHAT THE HELL? THEY'RE THE GREATEST THING IN HARRY POTTER BY FAR!  
  
FRED: Ah – I see somebody else has learned to speak in capital letters.  
  
The AUDIENCE pisses themselves laughing.  
  
PRODUCTION: Nope. Really don't like these guys. Cut them down to only six words at a time.  
  
The AUDIENCE copies RON'S expressions.  
  
FRED: Gits. What about our other brothers?  
  
PRODUCTION: Nope. We're fed up of them, too. If it's not got to do with how brilliant Harry is we don't want to know.  
  
GEORGE: Not even the Percy fight? Cocks.  
  
PRODUCTION: Nope. Not that. If he dies in later books we'll fall back on the trusty technique of flashbacks. Problem solved.  
  
FRED and GEORGE use up their 6 words each on the worst insults they can think of.  
  
PRODUCTION: Now get on with poor Harry and the bad press he's been receiving.  
  
RON decided to go for a different look and becomes CONFUSED.  
  
HERMIONE: Have you been getting the Daily Prophet?  
  
HARRY: Yeah, but I've only really read the first pages as due to the fact I'm a drama queen I'm looking for Voldemort. It doesn't even occur to me that small operations linked to Voldemort might be found in the other pages, or even that the paper could be used to pass the time in what I constantly remind people was my dull and frustrating month at Privet Drive.  
  
HERMIONE: You're not gonna like this then. No-one believes you and thinks you're crazy. Which, if you look at the facts, is a pretty solid conclusion. Doesn't help that you've become unhinged.  
  
HARRY: I AM NOT UNHINGED!!!!  
  
It takes a while for JKR to unstick the CAPS LOCK key. This task is made harder by the fact she writes her books using chalk and nappies. Harder, but not impossible. HARRY's further rage is in any case averted by the appearance of the Order in the stairwell.  
  
HERMIONE: I wonder if we can hear what they're saying. Is there any way?  
  
GEORGE: We have one.  
  
PRODUCTION: Not so fast, boyo. Remember who the hero is.  
  
HARRY: (holding an Extendable Ear) I made these in my spare time over the holidays, when I was cruelly left alone for a month at Privet Drive  
  
FRED and GEORGE leave and return holding baseball bats, but it doesn't matter as nothing of importance is heard anyway. As HARRY walks through the hall toward the kitchen he passes, in slow stare mode some velvet curtains. Tense music (again) tells us there is something interesting behind here. In the kitchen TONKS, being the 'amusingly clumsy' character falls over an umbrella stand, which leads to a supposedly amusing and over long slapstick set piece involving TONKS, an assortment of cutlery, several pans, MRS WEASLEY, possibly a cat, unfortunately the large chance of a custard pie, and finally one solitary spinning plate among the wreckage. This is convention and must not be changed. The AUDIENCE bursts into tears at this hideous scene. MRS BLACK from behind the curtains bursts into hideous wails. This is nothing compared to the degrading, patronizing attempt at humour that preceded it.  
  
JKR: "Harry thought he was looking through a window, a window behind which an old woman in a black cap was screaming and screaming as though she were being tortured – then he realised it was simply a life-size portrait, bu the most realistic, and the most unpleasant, he had ever seen in his life"  
  
HARRY: Well that makes sense. I can immediately tell she's evil from that information. It's so easy to spot the bad guys, they're all ugly or coldly beautiful. That's pretty helpful.  
  
Suddenly a man appears, probably to overly-heroic music. We know he's a cool guy without the musical prompting. Enjoy him while you can.  
  
SIRIUS: Hello Harry. I see you've met my mother.  
  
AUDIENCE: WOW! Sirius' family were evil? He's deeper and more complex than we ever could've imagined.  
  
Several members of the audience swoon. Even more prepare to litter the screen with bullet holes next time FRED and GEORGE get unfairly cut. 

RON looks bewildered.

Tune in next time for – THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX! Find out exactly what it is! Yes, it's precisely what you presumed! And nothing more interesting! Hurrah!  
  
Oh, and to appease GeorgieGryffindor – a huge spot has just appeared on Hermione's nose. She looks a little younger now. 


	5. The Title of the Book

Dear all,  
  
Sorry for the long delay – almost a month. I've been suffering the terrible torture of A-Levels. shudder But, phew, nearly all done now.  
  
Anyway – in the intervening time I was dragged to see the Prisoner of Azkaban. For research purposes only I swear. Not some morbid curiosity. I was actually pleasantly surprised. It didn't TOTALLY suck. While I could go on forever about the mistakes and terrible omissions and missing explanations. – who are Moony and Co. by the way? – I will withhold and sporadically insert comments to our friend Mr Cuaron. Apologies to those who intend to see it but haven't and have some of the thrilling experience ruined thanks to anything here, but that's tough bacon my friends.  
  
Any joke made about the plot/writing of the esteemed JK is all in good fun, I really admire her and love the books, and it wouldn't even matter if I didn't cause she's loaded.  
  
Thanks to Ferrit for making me get my act together with a very frank review. Please review if you have time – it does inspire me. Well – got to be off – this has detracted considerably from Biology revision. Ooops.  
  
Sham-bolic.  
  
P.S Disclaimer: Characters and basic plot not mine. Why must you continue to taunt me.  
  
P.P.S Further note – Hints of slash but in a jokey manner. I quite enjoy some SB/RL as long as its done well and seems kind of in character so don't take this as an insult. However, I realise some people don't dig it and it's not simple homophobia, and if the idea doesn't float your boat I hope my simple asides to it will not spoil your reading. It's just so common I thought it would be fun to include.  
  
On to:  
  
The Order of the Phoenix  
  
_Previously on Harry Potter:  
  
The trio, hilarious duo, and assorted witches, wizards, and 'others' have congregated at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. The HQ of the Order of the Phoenix doncher know. An over-done accident has awoken a hideous portrait causing it to scream terribly...Who is this hag? SIRIUS: Hello Harry, I see you've met my mother._  
  
HARRY: Your? –  
  
HARRY waits to be interrupted.  
  
HARRY: Your? - ... erm ... Sirius? It's your line...  
  
Everyone looks around for SIRIUS, who has mysteriously disappeared in the time between chapters.  
  
HARRY: Sirius??  
  
AUDIENCE: NOOOO! What have you done with him? Not yet, it's not his time...  
  
A quick search finds SIRIUS leaning in a doorway getting quite passionate with a certain REMUS LUPIN.  
  
HARRY: Sirius! Professor!  
  
SIRIUS: (Looks a little guilty, but not very) Oh. Harry. Was  
just a little preoccupied.  
  
HARRY: But... you're not gay...what...?  
  
SIRIUS looks at the AUTHOR  
  
AUTHOR: Me? I'm staying out of this one. It's a popular  
idea...but no – I'm not touching this with a barge pole. Not even  
if it had Snape on the end of it.  
  
At this simple display of affection a rather rowdy group bursts through the door. They are headed by a rather annoyed red head and seem to consist almost solely of middle aged females. They are the association known as 'Parents Against Teenagers Having Emotions Translated In Children's fiction' and blight all such works.  
  
Mrs. BROFLOVSKI: WHAT WHAT WHAT? As the head of P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C  
I object to this terrible public display of affection. Such smut  
is poisoning the minds of our children. We must save them before  
it's too late!  
  
AUTHOR: OK... Jesus – I'll cut it out... Sorry guys.  
  
SIRIUS looks mightily HACKED OFF  
  
AUTHOR: Back to the beginning  
  
HARRY: Your - ?  
  
SIRIUS: (grumbling) My dear old mum yes.  
  
HARRY: But what's a portrait of your mother doing here?  
  
SIRIUS: Bloody Hell. And this idiot is supposed to be the  
saviour of the series? Why not me? I can carry the rest of the  
books on my impressive shoulders... Right?  
  
The AUDIENCE bursts into tears at the wretched irony of this  
comment  
  
SIRIUS: Anyways, my mum's here 'cuz this is my parents  
house. I'm the last Black, so I've offered it to Dumbledore as  
the HQ – about the only useful thing I've been able to do...  
  
JKR: "Harry, who had expected a better welcome, noted how hard  
–  
  
LUPIN: (sniggering) Tee hee... hard... bet it is....  
  
Mrs. BROFLOVSKI: WHAT WHAT WHAT?  
  
JKR: "noted how hard and bitter Sirius's voice sounded"  
  
½ AUDIENCE: Awww.... What's wrong with Sirius? Poor iccle Siri...  
  
½ AUDIENCE: JESUS! What has JKR got against him? Can he not let  
him be happy for once... at least before... sob...  
  
SIRIUS: I gotta stay indoors is all, I feel useless.  
  
LUPIN: No – it's just he gets crabby when he's kept up all  
night ...  
  
The two erupt in terribly naughty giggles  
  
AUTHOR: Bad. Bad boys.  
  
MRS WEASLEY: Anyway, come on through to the kitchen Harry,  
to give us a chance to hurriedly hide away things you shouldn't  
see.  
  
BILL hurriedly hides away things HARRY shouldn't see. But not  
before HARRY gets a chance to see plans of a building. And  
probably a close-up of some important facts... and Peter  
Pettigrew? What's HIS name doing there? (PoA film joke... sorry)  
  
This gives HARRY yet another chance to COMPLAIN. He's getting  
very good at it.  
  
HARRY: I had a lousy summer.  
  
SIRIUS: Shut up you whiney mongrel. I'd have welcomed a  
Dementor attack. Although common sense suggests I should be  
terrified of the damn things since they're intent on giving me  
the Kiss -  
  
(Once more Lupin breaks out into unacceptable giggles. I'm sorry  
– I can't seem to control them)  
  
SIRIUS: - and I spent the worst possible 13 years of my life  
in their company, that episode seems to have disappeared rather  
quickly and efficiently leaving me desperate to leave the house  
in search of excitement. Which would probably entail torture and  
death at worst.  
  
FRED: (Still forced to stick to his 6 lines) Dude, you are  
really messed up.  
  
SIRIUS: I add gritty excitement to the plot. Not to mention  
I'm dashed handsome to boot. As seems to be my defining role in  
this book I'm going to stir up trouble... Harry, I'm surprised.  
You should be nosying about Voldemort.  
  
HARRY: I've been TRYING.  
  
MRS WEASLEY and SIRIUS have an argument. MRS WEASLEY is the  
oppressive protective carer figure and wants him to know nothing  
to shield Harry from knowledge and harm. SIRIUS is the promoter,  
who feels he should know everything so he is well equipped. And  
because he is bored and wants something to do. And for someone  
to be able to do as little as he. Seemingly the only character  
with less than extreme considerations LUPIN intervenes with a  
handy solution.  
  
JKR: "Personally", said Lupin quietly, looking away from Sirius  
at last (SIRIUS: See? See?) .. "I think it's better that Harry  
gets the factrs – not all the facts Molly, but the general  
picture – fromus, rather than a garbled version from ... others..  
  
½ AUDIENCE: Ahhhhh swoon smart and sexy ... lethal combination...  
  
½ AUDIENCE: Just think... they made him have that 'tache. Thank  
God we replaced him.  
  
SIRIUS: OK, here's the deal...  
  
SIRIUS is about to launch into explanation... and then – told you  
someone would be along to ruin it – Alfonso Cuaron appears with  
his big scissors.  
  
ALFONSO: Right... this part's useless (slicing pages of OotP  
willy-nilly. I KNOW no-one uses that word, but no-one should be  
able to cut out important parts of story arcs...)  
  
SIRIUS tries to say his remaining lines.  
  
SIRIUS: Death Eater... plan ...  
  
HARRY: What... Dumbledore  
  
CUARON: (Finally finished sabotaging the script to make  
things totally confusing...) Ahhhh... nice neat little script.  
Snappy and sharp.  
  
AUDIENCE: And TOTALLY confusing.  
  
HARRY: So Voldemort's looking for a weapon then?  
  
AUDIENCE: WHAT? How much has that idiot removed? We can't  
follow any more...  
  
HARRY: A weapon worse than Avada Kedavra?  
  
AUDIENCE: What? I thought we already discussed in the previous  
books that there are worse things than death... Dementor's Kiss  
for example? Mary Sues for another.  
  
NAGGING DOUBT: You know what we think it is at the end? What  
kind of weapon is that? Is that definitely the weapon? It's a  
bit of a loose use of the term. And a disappointment. Hmmmmm....  
Theories abound...  
  
JKR: Shut up and stop picking holes in my plot. And you two can  
stope that  
  
JKR glares at LUPIN and SIRIUS who were attempting a subtle spot  
of footsie beneath the table  
  
MRS WEASLEY: That is enough! You might as well tell him  
everything.  
  
SIRIUS: Why not? He's capable  
  
MRS WEASLEY: He's still a child. He's NOT James, Sirius!  
  
HARRY: Never... geez  
  
SIRIUS: Wait! No – I seriously started to believe he WAS  
James... I mean all this - 'You are very like your father' and  
'mother's eyes' crap was sentimental at first, but know it's  
repeated so much there's gotta be something in it right? And  
that rubbish about 'Those we love never truly leave us' – that  
can't just be for sickly sweet value can it? Are you SERIOUSLY  
trying to tell me that James ISN'T in Harry?  
  
SIRIUS peers into HARRY's 'green like his mother's' eyes and  
starts calling 'James? James?'  
  
HARRY looks scared and confused as MRS WEASLEY shepherds them  
all to bed, and the adults retire. LUPIN and SIRIUS to separate  
rooms. Those squeaks you hear that sound suspiciously like bed  
springs are merely in your imagination. REALLY.

Hope you enjoyed. R&R if you did. R&Flame if you didn't – I'll  
merely let Mrs. Broflovski handle them. She's already on my  
back. Oh that reminds me – Afterthought Disclaimer: Mrs  
Broflovski belongs to Trey Parker and Matt Stone who are Gods  
among men.  
  
Won't be long before the next.  
  
Sham. 


	6. The Strange and Most Rude House of Black

FIRST AND FOREMOST: WE WERE ROBBED! Sort of. Portugal may have deserved to win, but we SHOULD have won. Gutted for England. Out on pens again.  
  
Well hello children. Exams are over finally – and I have time to use to try to entertain you guys.  
  
Thanks to J Black who pointed out to me that the PoA script is fault of Steve Klove not our good friend Alfonso. Calling SB and RL "like an old married couple" is Klove's one saving grace – and highly amusing and relevant for shippers and haters of SB/RL alike.  
  
Here I'll place a warning; there are hints of slash in this. Used as humour from a neutral standpoint though. In this I am not endorsing nor insulting it, just trying to entertain. Give it a go.  
  
It's been a while and I've had some great responses, so am using this as a very handy time to talk to you fine people, so here's some shoutbacks (for those who reviewed Chapter 5 – sorry all else – but these guys will probably remember a little of what they said to me!). In alphabetical order no less – oooh I spoil you all.  
  
Captain Jack – Sparrow I hope? Mmmmmmm. Yes – I don't like the films but I still go see them. I think I need help.  
  
Chrislovercharmed – Mean is my forte. I feel I should stick to what I know! Hope you enjoy the cameo from a certain friend.  
  
Ferrit – Ahhh – embarrassing dancing. One of the great pleasures in life. All done in exams. You think Biology's bad? I was crazy enough to take Maths and French, too. Loving English though. Fingers crossed for results day though. Sigh.  
  
FireOpal – For being able to tell me my name and place of work –  
even though it's revealed later on – you DO get a prize. A sucky  
one – but a prize nonetheless. I dunno – if you can be bothered,  
give me the most random character from TV or film you can think  
of (a well known one though) and I'll insert a cameo. From you  
and them. It'll give me something to fill the space and  
hopefully you a little chuckle.  
  
J Black – Thankyou for your correction. I have set it right in this one. Serves me right for being too damn lazy to look up script writers names. I bow at your feet for your superior knowledge!  
  
Loving-legolas – The review – thankyou blushing. The name – I agree. But then who doesn't love him?  
  
Lycantropalicious – Thankyou VERY much – being added to faves makes my tummy squirl with pride. Now I don't think squirl is a word but it damn well should be.  
  
Marauder-obsessed – Hope this is soon enough for you. Although the content may have suffered! Sorry for SB/RL – they get out of control, but they amuse ME. Cool to hear about you in the newspaper. You tell them though!  
  
Silver-sunn101 – Yes, SB/RL is one of my guilty pleasures. The bad boys seem to have run away with me again this chapter. Hope you can forgive them.  
  
S91 – If you're too lazy to log in then I'm too lazy to respond to you. Oh wait. Damn. ;-) Thanks.  
  
Vanyaria Darkshadow – Glad I can give your floor a rub! Oh and Fred and George thank you for your support. They will hopefully be placing baseball bats in the vicinity of Cuaron and Colombus's heads pretty shortly  
  
I have just looked over the pages I wrote and I apologise as they make little sense. I would re-do them, but the slightly wacko and delirious tone gave me a giggle so I'm keeping them. But a small warning – disjointed writing can cause confusion, headaches, nausea and pissed-off-at-writer- syndrome. However, it can also make you giggle with pity.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, most things belong to J.K. Rowling, except those bits that belong to P. Jackson, J.R.R Tolkein, James Cameron or George Lucas.  
  
Hope you enjoy, or at least can follow...  
  
...CHAPTER 6  
  
The Noble and Most Ancient House Of Black  
  
JKR: "Of Black"... teehee – I'm so subtle. You see, the surname of  
Sirius is Black – but his family were eeeeevil, the traditional colour  
of which is black. So whilst the house literally is 'of Black' as it  
belongs to the Black family, it also represent how it previously  
belonged to the Darkness.  
  
BRIT AUDIENCE: Gimmicky bastards that they are.  
  
JUSTIN (of the Darkness): High pitched wailing.... I believe in a  
thing called looooove, and my ability to be a rock star from the 70's  
  
JUSTIN (of the Timberlake): High pitched wailing.... I believe in a  
thing called looooove, or the hippity-dippity, and in my ability to  
become a black singer from the 80's and 90's. Or is he white? Does it  
matter? Either way, I too am a bad mo-fo...  
  
(A/N: I apologise for all the above rubbish. I am very tired, having had only 5 hours sleep in the past 55 hours. And 2 of those were  
upright. Consequently I am making little sense and will resort to  
peppering the entire script with my own musings and little in jokes.  
Kinda remind you of anyone? Hey, at least I'm not doing a Titanic  
spoof. "I'm the king of the world" on a HIPPOGRIFF? – what was THAT about. You really need to be a) British, b) have seen PoA, c) be a little bit crazy to  
have understood any of the previous inane babble. Please let me know  
if you did. If you didn't, please continue reading, and don't let this  
have scared you off.  
  
The AUTHOR makes a desperate attempt to raise the standard of this  
chapter from the deep squalid pit it is lying in.  
  
Anyway, HARRY POTTER, super wizard, teen phenomenon and pastry maker  
extraordinaire (hey – you never know) is residing in the house of  
SIRIUS BLACK, his godfather, which is the HQ of the Order of the  
Phoenix. And if you don't know what that is, I'm gonna take a leaf  
from the books of Messers Cuaron and Klove and not explain it to you.  
So tough titties. Harry has just had some of the present situation  
explained to him. Or should have.  
  
Right now Fred and George should be apparating into Harry and  
Ron's bedroom to discuss what they heard at the dinner table. However,  
due to their appalling treatment at the hands of film-makers they are  
on strike in their bedroom. Probably sticking pins in voodoo dolls.  
Instead, Harry is sat up in bad – with a 'Pondering' expression.  
(Perhaps this could be mistaken for a constipated expression). Ron is  
tossing in his sleep.  
  
RON: The spiders ... the spiders are making me tapdance. I don't want  
to tapdance.  
  
HARRY: Dude, you are screwed up. Really.  
  
AUDIENCE: Was that supposed to be funny? Was that necessary to plot?  
You left out information about the Marauder's Map for THAT?  
  
The AUDIENCE's reasonable complaints are drowned out by the sound of  
hysterical laughter. They turn to see the AUTHOR rolling in the  
aisles. Yes, I am unashamed to admit I found that part REALLY funny. I  
have an undeveloped sense of humour.  
  
HARRY talks to himself about recent developments but since the  
audience didn't receive enough vital information in the previous scene  
they switch off. It doesn't help that Harry is as wooden and engaging  
as a twig.  
  
HARRY finally falls asleep. The camera lingers to show Harry's dream  
state. He also talks in his sleep, however, HIS dreams feature past  
traumas and mistreatment, and probably Voldemort, which cements  
Harry's appearance as a deeply heroic and tortured soul. Or his  
appearance as a wimp.  
  
The AUTHOR scans the past pages and noticed the worrying lack of  
anything resembling dialogue and plot and resolves to insert some as  
soon as possible. But not, of course, before delaying the plot to tell  
the audience this.  
  
It is morning and Fred and George appear in the boy's bedroom. They  
are obviously still struggling with their allotted 6 words each.  
  
GEROGE: Wake. Breakfast. Kitchen. Mum. Drawing Room.  
  
GEORGE tries to say bugger but no words can come out. FRED looks on  
sympathetically and finishes off for him.  
  
FRED: Pests. Doxys. Kill word count implementers.  
  
FRED and GEROGE leave to plan how to do just that. As painfully as  
possible  
  
HARRY and RON go downstairs to help clean the house. Common sense  
would suggest that this would be an easy scene to cut for time  
restraints, in order to leave room for the explanations needed from  
previous chapters. However, the spraying Doxys scene provides an  
excellent stage for Cuaron to show his fantastic humour. This involves  
plenty of accidental spraying of each other, thereby freezing people  
midair in funny poses, or causing mid-air collisions between Doxys,  
which themselves will be amusing CG characters who pick up people –  
probably the unfortunate twins – and throw them about. And I wouldn't  
be surprised if Harry didn't do some special broom sequence cleaning  
up all the Doxys at the ceiling that all the other mere mortals aren't  
great enough to reach.  
  
As MRS WEASLEY leaves the room to yell at an unfortunately cut  
MUNDUNGUS a new character enters. It is a house elf like Dobby, except  
there are a few differences  
  
JKR: "Except for the filthy rag tied like a loincloth around its  
middle, it was completely naked. It looked very old."  
  
AUDIENCE: It also looks much more realistic. And kind of familiar.  
  
JKR: He's called Kreacher... see? Isn't that smart of me? It sounds  
like creature – which is what Sirius treats him as. Which is bad, and  
a moral part of the story.  
  
AUDIENCE: He does look familiar.  
  
KREACHER: Mudbloods and werewolves and traitors and thieves  
preciousssss ... we hates them. We HATES them. Always watching.  
  
HARRY: What's the hell is that?  
  
HERMIONE: Don't be cruel, Harry. He's a house elf like Dobby. And  
even though he's an evil little git he still falls under the aid of  
SPEW. I have a soft spot for hapless little creatures. Like Ron.  
  
RON uses this opportunity to look BEWILDERED.  
  
HARRY: He looks funny. Dobby doesn't look like that.  
  
KREACHER: Dobby? DOBBY! Preciousssss.. an insult to CG characters.  
Stupid fat Dobby. But we've come, oh yes we have.  
We're here aren't we precious?  
Yes, my precious my love. We're here – and to show the filthy  
liars and thieves what?  
We'll show them how a good movie makes us wont' we? We will.  
Yes, my love, a good movie. Not this pile of gollum gollum  
crap.  
No – we don't like it at all do we precious? Not at all.  
No my love, we hatesssss it. And we hatessss Dobby.  
Hates him.... He's a liar and a thief....  
Yes preciousss. Filthy little orcsy he is. But there's more my  
love.  
Yes precious! We found him! Smeagol found him!  
WE found him my precious my love...  
  
Everybody is seriously weirded out.  
  
HARRY: Found what?  
  
KREACHER: Him! Preciousssssssss, him!  
He's not very nice is he precious?  
No my love. Not nice at all. He's the worst. gollum  
gollum  
The worst he is, precious.  
  
HARRY: The worst WHAT?  
  
KREACHER: They make bad CG they do precioussss. They make bad  
characters, filthy liars and thieves and horrible directorsssss.  
  
Not us though precious.  
No, my love. But they do. They cheat you. Hurt you with  
their desperate attempts to make loveable funny CG characters.  
And then it happensss..  
Yes, then they make the worst, don't they precious?  
Not while we live preciousssss. NO! We found him. They  
tried to make him funny. Tried to make us like him. But he  
ruined it he did. gollum The worst thing out of a terrible  
movie. But we have him now precioussss. We've got him where no-  
one can get him.  
Yes! Precious! We've taken him.  
And that's not all my love. We've come here to prove that things  
can be good in this film. It'll be our film now.  
  
Mine, my own, my precioussssssssss.  
  
The film cuts to show KREACHER's cupboard. In the dark a shadowy figure can be made out, tied to the boiler. It has a face like dead fish shown together and a voice more irritating that a cat on a pneumatic drill.  
  
JAR-JAR: Meesa very worried. Meesa scared a da little  
creature. You mean some people gonna dieee?  
  
CAST, CREW and AUDIENCE alike are now very confused.  
  
AUTHOR: What? I TOLD you I was tired. This still makes more  
sense than the film ending of PoA. Just.  
  
SIRIUS enters to try to save the chapter.  
  
SIRIUS: Kreacher. What are you up to.  
  
KREACHER: Sneeeeaaaaaking. (A/N: One of my FAVE lines from  
RotK. Needed including)  
  
REMUS enters behind SIRIUS.  
  
REMUS: Oh really?  
  
KREACHER: There is it preciousssss. They do it when they think  
Kreacher can't see. But he can. Oh he can.  
  
REMUS and SIRIUS blush. (It's your own mind that provides what  
you think they were doing. It could be basket weaving you dirty  
children.)  
  
KREACHER: Yes, precioussss. We sees it. Like the master and  
the fat hobbit. Think we won't notice preciousssss. Filthy  
hobbitses.  
  
(A/N: I personally find very little homo-eroticism in LotR. But this comparison is all too easy to make. Basket weaving I tell you.)  
  
To change the subject quickly SIRIUS directs attention to the tapestry on the wall.  
  
HARRY: You're not on here!  
  
SIRIUS points to a burn hole.  
  
SIRIUS: I was blasted off when I ran away from home... you see I  
  
HARRY: Yeah, yeah. You come from this traditional and let's  
face it pretty evil background, but you, being the good person  
you are, rejected these corrupted values. This led to trauma as  
it caused friction in your family, and disappointment and  
probably abuse from your parents. You're truly a tortured soul.  
However, to highlight your decision as the right one you  
probably have a brother who did as your parents wanted, and who  
probably dies for them. He no doubt fit their RULES and  
REGULATIONS. No? Oh, and your horrible family believes in the  
purity of blood, highlighting he arrogance of traditional values  
and denouncing intolerance. There's also probably a link with  
the Malfoys to get us the attach some of the dislike we have for  
them (before we discovered they were all good looking) to your  
family. What a martyr you are. Or will be.  
  
SIRIUS: (Trying to regain some control). Erm... I stayed with  
your dad.  
  
REMUS looks put out.  
  
SIRIUS: I've told you before. NOTHING HAPPENED! Anyway, I'm  
even MORE tortured than that, thankyou very much. I happen to  
want to get out and risk my life and all sorts of dashingly  
heroic things. Hurrah! Instead I have to stay cooped up in here.  
I feel so restricted, but I'm bound in this hole.  
  
REMUS begins to giggle and the mere mention of words like  
'restricted' and 'hole'.  
  
SIRIUS latches onto this and continues.  
  
SIRIUS: I mean, just to be here doing housework when I want  
to be in the THRUST and parry of good HARD battle. Who wants be  
here just HAMMERING and BANGING and SCREWING and...  
  
The AUTHOR cuts to the next scene out of sheer embarrassment for  
the naughty naughty boys.  
  
MRS WEASLEY: Harry, in case you'd forgotten, tomorrow's your  
hearing.  
  
CHARACTERS: Ooooh- the suspense!  
  
AUDIENCE: Not really. We all know he'll get back in.  
  
MR WEASLEY: I'll take you tomorrow, it's at my place of work.  
There I can become a more developed character.  
  
SIRIUS: I'm going to act like a teenager because not allowed  
to come with you.  
  
REMUS: You came with me last night.  
  
AUTHOR: NO! That's it – end of chapter. It's been altogether  
too weird and dirty. Must drag it up out of the gutter next  
chapter. MUST MUST MUST.  
  
Post-credits...  
  
Kate: I'll never let go Jack.  
  
She proceeds to let go of the love of her life (for love of life see  
random hick she just met two days ago. What a tart.) and allow him to  
sink to his watery grave. Or swim off back to France to his many  
prostitutes.  
  
A/N: Oooops. Looks like I did.  
  
R&R if you think it's worth it! 


	7. You don't want to know

(A/N: This bit was added after the rest. I warn you now, this chapter is crazy. It's absolutely mental, I was extremely tired, jet-lagged and hungry when I wrote this. I thought I'd better get something out having been away, but looking at it I probably shouldn't have bothered. I put it up anyway because I can't be bothered doing it again. But this chapter is pointless anyway, so if you abandon it it makes no difference to the storyline. If you do read it, you can score points out of 10 for recognising cameos. The little cameo thing is a tribute to Cuaron, for that bit on the Marauder's Map... can't remember the name, but he did it alright. Good luck. Sham)  
  
Sorry – AGAIN – for the long delay, but I've been sunning myself with my friends in lovely Gran Canaria. I'm back now, and ready to keep pouring my heart and soul into the keyboard. Or something like that. Sadly, I haven't slept in over 40 hours and am EXCEEDINGLY tired. So what you're getting is short and makes no sense. But I'm doing it to keep you happy, so don't blame me.  
  
AUTHOR scans the seventh chapter. The plot is simple; Harry gets up, goes to the Ministry of Magic. That's it. A whole fourteen pages devoted to that.  
  
AUTHOR: Hmmmm, OK, nothing salvageable here. Right. (Gets  
out scissors. Some over-large ones for comedy value. Preferably  
with ACME printed down the sides). This can all go – snippety  
snippety.  
  
ALFONSO CUARON: Yes, yes, that's good. Embrace the dark side.  
  
AUTHOR: Noooooooo! (For preference this should be overly  
dramatic and end in a gurgle) Must – continue... mustn't leave  
anything out.... Even if that means (gulp) sticking in a load of  
cameo appearances 'cause I'm too tired to do anything else. And  
if it happens in Potter and X-men films I can damn well do it  
here.  
  
MR WEASLEY: Can I start yet? You've already lost the time that  
could've shown me trying to navigate the Underground. I felt  
that had a lot of comedy potential. And maybe you could've  
squeezed in Lenny Henry's shrunken head somewhere.  
  
AUTHOR: Go on then. You can go in the Ministry. We need to  
see that anyway as it'll have much SIGNIFICANCE later. Cue  
plenty of dramatic or recognisable music to emphasise this.  
  
MR WEASLEY: Can I go in now?  
  
AUTHOR: Sure – oh wait. Cameo appearances will be indicated  
by a ziiip from my magic cameo wand. Which at the moment is a  
stapler, the only thing to hand. Points for those who recognise  
all of 'em. But sorry if you're in over your head. I have a very  
strange and British taste in comedy cult figures.  
  
MR WEASLEY: Still waiting....  
  
AUTHOR: OK – you're first.  
  
ziiip number one, and MR WEASLEY is now in a smart suit with an encouraging yet slimy grin.  
  
MR WEASLEY: Oooh – suit you sir. Were you with a lady last night  
sir? Did she want it sir? Oooh. Oooh – suit you.  
  
HARRY shakes his head and enters the Ministry, showing those not caught up in this piece of crappy fiction the layout of the Ministry so they recognise it come the exciting climax. But we don't care about that.  
  
We follow Mr Weasley as he dashed into the atrium, passing fountain containing five statues in gold. The smallest figure is cloaked and rat- like. Not Pettigrew style, nor like Ol' Blue Eyes, but an actual rat. The remaining are almost identical, bearing a striking resemblance to upright turtles. In their hands instead of wands is an array of weaponry. A samurai sword, nunchucks and sai knives make a daring and exciting picture. Sadly, there is nothing left for the fourth except a broom handle. Not so thrilling. Discarded around their feet are golden pizza boxes. Mostly empty.  
  
Mr Weasley runs into the lift to rejoin Harry. They meet A STRANGER. Included for some comic relief, and to show Mr Weasley isn't just some slightly sad and threadbare father. He's a slightly sad and threadbare father with a crappy job and friends named Bob.  
  
MR WEASLEY: What've you got there Bob?  
  
(A/N: See how familiar they are? Mr Weasley is so popular I tell you!)  
  
JKR: "We're not sure", said the wizard seriously, "We thought it was  
a bog-standard chicken until it started breathing fire"...  
  
AUTHOR: Fire breathing chicken? I'm not buying it. Anyway,  
that'd be pretty cool you don't wanna complain. Like a  
domesticated dragon. Instead... ziiiip number two... our friend  
Bob becomes...  
  
JOHN CLEESE: Not a chicken ... it's a parrot. Only it's dead.  
E's off the twig! E's kicked the bucket! E's shuffled orf 'is  
bleedin' mortal coil.  
  
MR WEASLEY: Oh, OK.  
  
MR WEASLEY is glad when the lift begins to move.  
  
We see...  
  
LEVEL 7: Department of Magical Games and Sports, incorporating the British and Irish Quidditch League Headquarters, Official Gobstones Club and Ludicrous Patents Office.  
  
Not much is seen down this hall, except for the typical potrayal of English hooligans (Northerners with loud voices, beefy shoulders and pretty drunk) and Irish hooligans (Loud voices, beefy shoulders and very drunk. And always wearing green apparently) roaring in and out of rooms in a big sweaty conga line. Oh and ziiip number three, here comes Squeeeaaak Lil' Bitch Scolari for the Milwaukee Beers, possibly being chatted up by a Man United fan.  
  
LEVEL 6: Department of Magical Transportation, incorporating the Floo Network Authority, Broom Regulatory Control, Portkey Office and Apparition Test Centre.  
  
And, ziiip number four Here stand two men, one young, one old, in front of a VERY magical vehicle. They are currently arguing with a man who is obviously a stuck-up, half- witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder, and an enormous man that appears to be made of ugly bathroom carpet.  
  
Geeky: What a piece of junk!  
  
Nerf Herder: She may not look like much, but she's got it  
where it counts, kid. I added some special modifications myself.  
She made the Kessel run in under five parsecs.  
  
Obsessives: Technically, that's incorrect, since a parsec is a  
measure of distance. But since you can't have explosions in  
space nor can space craft bank against the wind like WWII  
fighters, then we'll let it go. And because we love George  
Lucas. Despite Episode One.  
  
LEVEL 5: Department of International Magical Co-operation,  
incorporating the International  
Magical Trading Standards Body, the International Body of Law  
and the International  
Confederation of Wizards, British Seats.  
  
From one of the rooms off the hallway could be heard the sounds  
of someone being quizzed  
about dodgy cauldrons, and a voice raised in frustration saying  
ziiip number five, 'Rodney  
you plonker!'  
  
Harry could also see a very small, nervous looking wizard  
protesting to a ziiip number six,  
big butch gentleman dressed in a commando uniform  
  
WIZARD: Look, erm, I'm terribly sorry, but I was supposed to  
be meeting with the Governor of California, on political  
business.  
  
BUTCH: I AM dur Governor of California. Come with me if you  
want to live.  
  
WIZARD: Ah, well. You see, erm. I'm a representative of the  
British Confederation of Wizards and need to see an intelligent,  
politically minded representative of an AMERICAN state.  
  
BUTCH: A wizard? Hur hur – after I have killed you with my  
superior muscle tone and big gun I can say something amusing,  
like "that was a WIZARD shot"  
  
WIZARD: Yes, well... erm  
  
BUTCH: Or "I WAS HARD on your ass". 'Cuz that sounds like  
wizard.  
  
WIZARD: OK. You need to give me some proof that you are in  
fact the Governor of California.  
  
BUTCH: I am a super-robot sent back in time to kill Sarah  
Carter, or somethinglike that. WOMAN!  
  
As BUTCH lumbers off after a skirt, we follow MR WEASLEY and  
HARRY up in the lift.  
  
LEVEL 4: Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical  
Creatures, incorporating Beast, Being and Spirit Divisions,  
Goblin Liason Office and Pest Advisory Bureau.  
  
Here JOHN CLEESE storms off the find ziiip number seven  
MICHAEL PALIN about his parrot  
  
JOHN: I wish to complain about this parrot what I  
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.  
  
MICHAEL: Yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?  
  
JOHN: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead,  
that's what's wrong with it!  
  
MICHAEL: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.  
  
JOHN: 'E's not resting, 'e's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased  
to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff!  
Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the  
perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now  
'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled  
off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin'  
choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! Further down the hall is ziiip number eight a pretty young woman holding a ghost with a lightbulb head.  
  
GIRL: Look, I need you to get rid of this for me.  
  
WIZARD: Ghost giving you trouble?  
  
GHOST: NO! I'm a friendly ghost.  
  
GIRL: You're a pain in the arse.  
  
GHOST: Let's go home and play. I'm fun!  
  
GIRL: You're sad and pathetic, and relentlessly cheery. I'm sick to death of you.  
  
WIZARD: We'll see what we can do  
  
GHOST: No! All I want is a friend, I'm happy and bouncy and so endearing!  
  
The lift continues to the echo of the ghost's screams.  
  
LEVEL 3: Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes,  
including the Accidental Magic  
Reversal Squad, Obliviator Headquarters and Muggle-Worthy Excuse  
Committee.  
  
Here we have deja-vu as the same girl from downstairs appears. Only this time she has on a ziiip number nine, morbid black dress, and is accompanied by two adults, both blackly but sharply dressed, and a fat boy, who has an axe embedded in his head.  
  
WIZARD: Goodness! What happened to you?  
  
GIRL: (dully and simply) We were playing.  
  
BOY: (cheerfully) Soldiers!  
  
WOMAN: Oh, the pain must be exquisite.  
  
MAN: Do you remember when we used to play capture and torture darling?  
  
WOMAN: (smiling) Oui, mon chere.  
  
MAN: Caramia! That's French.  
  
They are kissing passionately when they are interrupted by a small busy man who can only have one profession (an agent) and a headless man. ziip number ten.  
  
AGENT: Hello? Hello? Is this the Department for Magical Accidents?  
  
WITCH: Yes, it is. Can we help you?  
  
AGENT: I'm afraid my client has had a little problem,  
during a publicity stunt he performed a magic trick – to eat his  
own head. And now we need help reversing it.  
  
HEADLESS MAN: Pick a card, twah, memorise it. I can levitate, twah.  
  
GIRL: Show offs deserve everything they get.  
  
The GIRL produces a large machete and is about to get to work as the lift doors close and continue up to  
  
LEVEL 2: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, including the Improper Use of Magic Office, Auror Headquarters and Wizengamot Administration Services.  
  
MR WEASLEY: This is us Harry.  
  
HARRY: At long bloody last.  
  
They walk to MR WEASLEY's office, but on the way encounter KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT. They discuss news surreptitiously. They do this my talking falsely and loudly about work and then whisper furtively and pass papers. Shockingly no-one suspects.  
  
In MR WEASLEY's office, there are pictures of Muggle everything. We are supposed to appreciate his passion, not find it condescending, like we are ants under a microscope. Or perhaps this similarity is to lead us into personal introspection.  
  
JKR: Sitting on top of Mr Weasley's overflowing in-tray was an old  
toaster that was hiccoughing ...  
  
AUTHOR: A toaster? This is too good an opportunity to pass  
up. The most obscure cameo yet ...  
  
TOASTER: Howdy-doodly-doo. I'm Talkie Toaster. Would you like  
some toast? Some hot fresh buttered toast?  
  
MR WEASLEY: No. We don't want any toast.  
  
TOASTER: You sure you don't want any toast?  
  
MR WEASLEY: NO! NO TOAST!  
  
TOASTER: But I am a toaster. It is my raison d'etre. I toast,  
therefore I am.  
  
LISTER: See Arthur? This is what caused the accident in the  
first place.  
  
MR WEASLEY: What accident?  
  
LISTER: The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste  
disposal and the fourteen-pound lump hammer.  
  
At this point HARRY stamps his foot.  
  
HARRY: I've had enough! This makes no sense! To ANYBODY!  
I'm gonna storm off downstairs. My hearing has been moved. They  
all hate me so it's in Old Courtroom Ten. I'll meet you down  
there when you have something decent and intelligible to say.  
  
And YOU.  
  
AUTHOR: Me?  
  
HARRY: Yes, you bloody idiot – it's now been 47 hours since  
your last 3 hours sleep. And for your information, when you  
start hallucinating and hearing Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen in  
your head – NOT A GOOD THING.  
  
AUTHOR: Nor is lecturing yourself through fictional  
characters... so yaaaaaaaaawn, I'm off to sleep. Will update with  
a sensible chapter soon. Well done if you managed to get... to get  
.. – to –to ... yawn.... To get this far.....  
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  
zz 


	8. Apologies and Explanations

Hello all. I have read through the script once more after a good night's sleep, albeit slightly uncomfortable as I was using my friend for a pillow, and have noticed a startling degeneration in the, what was dubious to begin with, quality of my 'work'. I must apologise for this, and will endeavour to stop staying out til the wee hours of the morning, and making do on two hours sleep and no food. This is not fair on you, and anyway my body is beginning to complain. Therefore, as of now, I will make a concerted effort to broaden my jokes and make them funny, not just little asides that amuse me in the dead of night.  
  
To rectify the damage done by the previous chapters I will explain exactly WHERE those bewildering cameos came from. And if you've never seen any of them I recommend them to you. Of course I cannot condone the downloading of files from the internet, this is BAD and IMMORAL. But handy, so I've been told.  
  
So,  
  
CAMEO: (this also works as a Disclaimer as the cameos I presented were plagiarised)  
  
1 – The wonderful Mark Williams (Mr Weasley) as one of the Suit You tailors from the Fast Show. Brilliant 90's British show, and I adore Paul Whitehouse.  
  
Fountain – The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, from the old days when they were good. I was particularly in awe of my favourite – Donatello – for his ability to make a stick as formidable a weapon as a sword...  
  
2 – John Cleese and the dead parrot. Hilarious sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Dead Parrot Sketch. Brilliantly parodied by my idols Matt Stone and Trey Parker with the Dead Friend Sketch, with Cartman as John Cleese, Kyle as Michael Palin and Kenny as the dead friend...  
  
3 – Squeak Scolari comes from the film Baseketball. (His real name's Kenny). Also starring Matt Stone and Trey Parker.  
  
4 – Geek = Luke Skywalker, Old Dude = Obi Wan Kenobi, Nerf Herder= Han 'who you callin' scruffy lookin'?' Solo, Carpet Man = Chewie. The scene at Alderan Space Port. And if by now you don't recognise this as a Star Wars drop then there's no hope for you. God, I'm such a geek.  
  
5 – Rodney, the plonker, is being called such by his brother Del Boy. From Only Fools and Horses. When it was good. And they were still selling dodgy goods. Very British and very funny.  
  
6 – I'm not supposed to include real people, so it's the Terminator...How the hell did the Terminator become the Governor of California? He played CONAN for cryin' out loud. The mind boggles.  
  
7 – Furthering the Dead Parrot Sketch. If you've never seen Monty Python you don't know what you're missing. If you've only ever seen the Holy Grail you DO know what you're missing – so find some episodes. I highly recommend the 'fish slapping dance', 'how to irritate people' and anything with the Spanish Inquisition. No-one expects the Spanish Inqisition! Seriously, watch some.  
  
8 – Rightly identified as Casper, the bloody irritating ghost. Hell – I preferred FATSO to this guy. And Stretch was miles better.  
  
9 – Ohhh, Tish. The Addams Family. Delightfully weird.  
  
10 – OK – Not supposed to mention real people, so this is a CHARACTER from a South Park episode, an episode called Super Best Friends. Just a hint – this 'magician's' followers are called BLAINiacs.  
  
11 – None of you will have got this. I remember the toaster from my childhood. Not from a cartoon though. The Talkie Toaster makes a memorable appearance in the classic cult show Red Dwarf. See the White Hole episode. And the Lister fella? None other than Dave Lister from said show.  
  
There we go – a little explanation. Now turn to the next chappie. If you still have faith. 


	9. The Hearing

Howdy-doodly-doo. Right – Chapter 8 – back into the story. I know I'm diverging a little from the film adaptations, but some of the circumstances are a little amusing in the books. I love the books, otherwise I wouldn't be writing after them, and all jokes are in good fun. Nothing vindictive. Before we start, I'll give shout outs to reviewers, as they've put up with a lot over the past two chapters.  
  
J Black – Glad you understood the jokes – although I think it's a little much to expect you to have got Chapter 7. But back to making sense now – I hope.  
  
Lycanthropalicious – Gollum/Smeagol is one of the greatest creations ever, so I've stolen him. He says hi – actually SMEAGOL says hi, Gollum said something rude along the line of filthy little hobbitses. But that's just his way.  
  
Captain Jack – Thanks for your compliments for Chappie 6 – but as for Chappie 7 – no it wasn't good. I have no problem saying this, what can I say? I was extremely tired. Think of it as a dream sequence.  
  
Chantal J – Yey, your reviews make me happy happy happy. Swiss referees still make me sad sad sad.  
  
Kitty-kitty – I know – it's terrible the lack of Pratchett knowledge in the world. We should go on a crusade to enlighten everyone.  
  
s91 – Wow! You logged in. And then you didn't. It's a good thing you amuse me friend! ;-)  
  
Alice Dodgson – I don't hate Cuaron as much as it may appear – but I was mad at how much Sirius and Remus were left out... like from the map and everything. Those guys are the best. Were the best. Sob.  
  
Marauder-obsessed – eeek! Hides behind a JT poster. Look – like him – like him! Sorry! JT is cool and the Darkness are quite frankly rubbish. Forgiven?  
  
black rider – haha – yes I have been to America, but I was too busy gawping at how big everything is (and talking to Mickey Mouse) to study you guys. However, my best friend is American and he gives me a pretty good insight! When he's not beating me up.  
  
Ashlee-Fergie – Don't worry – you don't have a narrow Australian mind – I just have a very twisted, odd and unfunny sense of humour!  
  
Geek gurl – Woah – you don't do things by halves do you? It was GREAT to come home after an exam to an inbox full of compliments, thankyou. Made my day.  
  
Silver-sunn101 – I'm glad you like the trashy comments. I've had a few complaints, but the flow so easily, I can't stop them gushing out. Remus, Sirius and chocolate sauce in the post to you now.  
  
WOLF8 – I'm guessing you like slash eh? Well, savour the last few chapters, cos due to some comments I'm gonna tone it down a bit for a little while. But Remus's gutter mind is unpredictably hard to control.  
  
PhiloNysh – teehee – giggling with embarrassment. Thankyou.  
  
Trixipixi – oooh – love your name. As for Lupin – I have replaced him with Sean Bean (Boromir/006 et al) but if you don't like him insert alternative hottie [here]  
  
StruffoxCheese – It would be my privilege to try and make a hopefully less sad girl laugh. If you want more hilarity, I suggest you check out White Hole, an episode of Red Dwarf (Brit comedy) that Talkie Toaster comes from. Not that I use things like Kazaa myself or anything. [shifty eyes]  
  
SiriusBlack161 – Sorry you don't like the slash – it just amuses me is all. But look at the chapter – see? No slash.  
  
Phinea – Wow – a Lupus... fan. That makes me happy. Will hopefully be updating that soon. Loved the Prongs/Padfoot exchange – but keep off Palin – he's mine. My own, my preciousssss.  
  
Elise – Well you recognised more than most. But the toaster is from Red Dwarf – I think the one you know is some cartoon called The Littlest Magical Talking Happy Toaster ... or something like that.  
  
Jellybaybee555 – Hope the Pepsi's dried off!  
  
Moon Archer – A Mary Sue is a fan fic slang term. It basically means when female fans add an OC (original character) which is them, but how they'd wish to be – e.g – perfect skin, perfect figure, beautiful, funny, gets along with everyone and has all the male characters fighting over her. She'll be ace at schoolwork, probably play Quidditch pro and be apparating already etc. If she's not with Harry, she'll be a cool Slytherin that converts Draco and hangs about with everyone. The male version is a Gary Stu.  
  
ImySelfDontKnow – Thankyou – I can't use the word kickass though – it sounds weird in my British accent. Jolly good review though!  
  
VioletFemme19 – You're lucky to like the Remus guy. Sigh. Look out for more Weasley with flamethrowers in the next few chapters... poor guys.  
  
Mouldywort – Wow – I've had more declarations of love over the reviews than I have in the past 5 years. Wait, that's quite sad... sob.  
  
Sailor-J-something-else-cause-Icant-remember-the-rest-ofyour-name – FEB?! Goddammit!!! Give it us nowww.. my precious my love.  
  
Socks and muffin mittens – lol – I'm trying to extract a compliment from the sarcasm to massage my ego. To hell with it – I loved your review so much it doesn't matter if I'm told I'm incoherent – CHEERS. :-)  
  
Book addict – Done and done!  
  
Chapter 8 – The not even slightly eventful Hearing.  
  
Harry has already gone to his hearing. Although we know he's going to be let back into Hogwarts we still feel the need to see this spectacle. Although there is no suspense whatsoever. However hard you try and create tension, we KNOW he'll get back in. We might as well watch, but there's no need to rush.  
  
As we finally amble in through the doors, we see Harry already sat down on a chair in the centre of a forbidding room. The room is familiar, as we've already seen it in Dumbledore's pensieve showing Barty Crouch Jnr's trial. At least we hope we have. You never know with Cuaron's big scissors. Although its not gonna be him is it? Perhaps the new guy will have a Tipp- Ex gun instead and aim it at random passages. Anyway, enough ranting about exclusions...  
  
AUDIENCE: OK, so we know Fudge is there... check. Hopefully  
we'll recognise him vfrom the previous films, to his left is an  
austere woman, firm but fair we imagine, designed to show what a  
biased idiot Fudge is no doubt, and to the right ... hmmmm ...  
  
JKR: On Fudge's right was another witch, but she was sitting so  
far back on the bench that her face was in shadow.  
  
AUDIENCE: Yes, thankyou. Very subtle. Ooooh, the unbelievable  
tension. Who is this mystery figure? Someone evil no doubt?  
Showing the corruption inherent in the system? Probably going to  
have some wide reaching effect on Harry's world later, which is  
why her introduction must be delayed to a poignant time.  
  
JKR: Shut up smart arses.  
  
FUDGE: Interrogators ...  
  
FUDGE begins to name himself and the ladies, with plenty of  
pauses to allow the slow-witted to digest this new information  
  
FUDGE: ... Court Scribe, Percy Ignatius Weasley.  
  
½ AUDIENCE: Weasley? Weasley? That name rings a bell... have we  
met a Percy Weasley before?  
  
½ AUDIENCE: Who cares? He's not Harry, ergo not important.  
  
PRODUCTION: Thankyou.  
  
½ AUDIENCE: Percy... Percy... hmmm I'm sure I've heard it before.  
Next you'll be saying you don't know who Fred and George are.  
  
½ AUDIENCE: Fred and who?  
  
FRED & GEORGE: AAAAAAAAAARGH! Recognise our greatness!  
  
PRODUCTION: Shut up – focus back on Harry.  
  
FUDGE: Anyway, Court Scribe, Percy Ignatius Weasley.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Witness for the Defence, Albus Percival a-lot-of-  
weird-names-to-show-how-mystical-and-yet-strange-I-am-followed-  
by-Brian-tomake-you-laugh-and-me-appear-odd-yet-grounded  
Dumbledore.  
  
The AUDIENCE and CHARACTERS are aghast at his enormous presence.  
  
FUDGE: Ah, Dumbledore. Truly you are my superior ah, hmm,  
and yes, well erm I will show this by a new found ability, um,  
to delay my words, and ah, mess up simple sentences. Ah. Oh, the  
power you have over lesser wizards.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Hurry up man, I'm supposed to be in and out in a  
matter of minutes, sorting everything out with no trouble at all  
– thus displaying my superb intellect and reasoning - and then  
abandoning Harry so the ungrateful little sod feels ignored and  
rejected.  
  
FUDGE: Very well then. I will read the charges in an  
obscenely rapid manner not allowing Harry any time to defend  
himself. As I am a very one-dimensional character I can be  
flipped from incapable and inept Harry and Dumbledore lover, to  
ambitious power obsessed bastard over the course of 2 months.  
Hurrah for me.  
  
HARRY: I can produce a Patronus.  
  
MME BONES: Wow! I am yet another person to be astonished by  
your genius. You are probably the only wizard of your age to  
produce one.  
  
FUDGE: He's the only one to be bloody taught. Fainting at  
Dementors. Bloody wimp. What about Luna, or Ginny, or Neville?  
They have horrors, very REAL horrors in their past. Or Snape or  
Lupin? Imagine THEIR childhoods. Bet they never got preferential  
treatment.  
  
HARRY: I did it because of the Dementors.  
  
FUDGE: Yeah, sure. Like the time you kept seeing the Grim?  
These are delusions of self importance. Since this is such a  
ridiculous story I could be forgiven for being sceptical, but  
I'm supposed to be a git so I'm just being unreasonable.  
  
MRS FIGG: I saw them, too! They were running down the  
alleyway...  
  
MME BONES: Dementors don't run, they glide.  
  
CUARON: Hem-hem. Actually, they fly.  
  
FUDGE: They do not! They glide above the ground, in a  
menacing manner.  
  
CUARON: I think you'll find that they fly, like torn bin  
bags in the wind.  
  
FUDGE: That's too fantastical, it's not menacing.  
  
CUARON: Is.  
  
FUDGE: Isn't.  
  
CUARON: Is too  
  
FUDGE: Is not.  
  
CUARON: It is SO.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Children, calm yourselves. This is not the matter  
under discussion.  
  
WITCHES: Oooh, Dumbledore. You are so serene and calm. Tell  
us what you think should be done and we will follow your wise  
council.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Harry should get away with anything he chooses to  
do.  
  
WITCHES: Righty-ho.  
  
FUDGE: But, but... did you even listen to the woman? She's  
clearly crazy and not a convincing witness at all!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, isn't it strange? Even in a fair trial her  
account would be in doubt, but I hold such unnatural sway over  
people that they – handily – go for the truth.  
  
FUDGE: But the boy's an idiot – he gets up to all sorts in  
school.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Fortunately for me, there's a previously unmentioned  
clause that means you can't do anything about that.  
  
UMBRIDGE: May I speak?  
  
JKR: He thought she looked just like a large pale toad. She was  
rather squat with a broad flabby face, as little neck as Uncle  
Vernon and a very wide, slack mouth. Her eyes were large round  
and slightly bulging.  
  
HARRY: Ugh! What a hideous figure. She MUST be evil.  
  
AUTHOR: No – can't – resist... mustn't compare Umbridge to...  
  
JKR: The witch spoke in a fluttery, girlish high pitched voice.  
  
UMBRIDGE: Hem hem. I wouldn't mention that Fudge has no power  
at the school Dumbledore, oh, too late. He's a teensy bit  
inclined to do something about that.  
  
HARRY: Like what? Send you as a spy?  
  
AUTHOR: I'm sorry. I can't resist. She just looks too much  
like her.  
  
UMBRIDGE: (begins to sound like Roz from Monsters Inc.)  
Wazowski – you didn't file your paperwork last night ... hem hem,  
(sweet again) ... indeed my dear boy.  
  
FUDGE: Right – enough of this. Are we gonna sentence this  
boy – who has a history of breaking the rules, leading others  
into danger, inflating his aunt, and generally being cocky – or  
do we accept his quite frankly unbelievable tale?  
  
All look at Dumbledore, who nods.  
  
WIZENGAMOT: Let him go!  
  
FUDGE: WHAT? What a surprise!  
  
AUDIENCE: Yeah. Sure.  
  
FUDGE: Alright then. I'll disgrace myself by accepting this  
grumpily, but – cleared of all charges.  
  
The AUDIENCE promptly dies of shock. 


	10. The end?

* * *

You still here? Glad to hear it – very warm and fuzzy feeling it gives us precious. I have nothing really to say, other than, presenting Chapter 9 – The Woes of Mrs Weasley...

* * *

Having just stood trial in front of the Wizengamot HARRY has shock and plenty of horror been cleared of all charges. This means he gets to go back to Hogwarts – and what a relief as now the 5th book can continue, since we waited long enough for it.  
  
Despite this wonderful luck HARRY still finds something to be grumpy about.  
  
HARRY: Dumbledore still won't look at me. True, he just  
saved my worthless hide, but his life doesn't revolve around me  
any more. Life's just not FAIR!  
  
MR MALFOY: Shut up you stupid little brat.  
  
HARRY: Oh my God! What are you doing here? I told Fudge you  
were a Death Eater.  
  
FUDGE: Yes, well, its amazing what money can cover. The  
grease that oils the wheels of society and all that.  
  
MR MALFOY: It also helps that I'm very charismatic. Before the  
films myself and my son Draco seemed absolute bastards, but  
since the films our good looks have allowed us to become sexily  
evil, and in Draco's case possibly a tortured soul.  
  
Here the AUTHOR swoons because she is deeply in love with Jason  
Isaacs.  
  
MR MALFOY: While I would love to jeer at you in a silky manner,  
I believe my nemesis is behind you.  
  
MR WEASLEY: I may be poor, but I am a good and moral person.  
  
MR MALFOY: (grinning in a way that makes the AUTHOR weak at the  
knees) I'm rich and devoid of moral boundaries or limitations.  
Some people have all the lucjk don't they?  
  
MR WEASLEY: For that insult Malfoy-san, we must fight! For  
honour!  
  
MR MALFOY: So it must be – like the legendary battle of  
Flourish-and-Botts.  
  
HARRY: What? That never happened! You just said like one  
nasty word to each other and then left.  
  
MR WEASLEY: What? We didn't fight? What do you mean?  
  
MR MALFOY: This shabby lunatic threw himself at me!  
  
MR WEASLEY: Kicked your arse you mean.  
  
MR MALFOY: Bring it old man!  
  
CHRIS COLUMBUS: No, no, no! This is not what happens. Tone it  
down.  
  
MR WEASLEY: Terribly splendid to see you old boy.  
  
MR MALFOY: The feeling is duly reciprocated, my dear chum.  
Jolly hockey sticks and all that toffee, eh what?  
  
MR WEASLEY: Indeed, indeed. Now must really be off, sorry to  
have trespassed on your time.  
  
MR MALFOY: Think nothing of it, be seeing you soon I don't  
doubt?  
  
MR WEASLEY: Absolu-what, you son of a gun you. Cheerio, then.  
  
MR MALFOY: Toodle-pip!  
  
HARRY: What the - ?  
  
MR WEASLEY: Let's be off home, Harry dear boy.  
  
Later, at Grimmauld Place...  
  
RON: I knew it! You always get away with stuff.  
  
AUDIENCE: Annoying, isn't it?  
  
FRED and GEORGE are supposed to be doing some kind of war dance  
in the background, but since they are still on strike until they  
are allowed to speak again, they are settling for swinging  
tomahawks in a very threatening manner.  
  
HARRY: Everyone seems quite relieved, though, considering  
you all knew I'd get off.  
  
AUDIENCE: Relieved? No. Bored? Terribly. Knew you'd get off?  
Most obvious thing since the ending of The Sixth Sense.  
  
HARRY tries to recover interest by over-reacting at a slight  
stress-related headache.  
  
HARRY: OW! My scar!  
  
HERMIONE: What's wrong?  
  
HARRY: Nothing. Does it all the time now.  
  
HERMIONE: Then don't make such a fuss, wimp.  
  
The camera lingers a little too long on Harry's perfectly formed  
forehead, to signify that there IS in fact something wrong. It  
does not even occur to Harry to mention this to anyone, as the  
most obvious reason for the increasing frequency of these  
attacks is that Voldemort is more active. Unless – he knows he's  
faking for the attention.  
  
SIRIUS enters, looking mopey, making thousands of female fans  
weep in pity.  
  
RON looks CONFUSED  
  
HARRY: What's up with him?  
  
HERMIONE: I am now not only super-intelligent, but also hyper-  
sensitive and can read people's actions with astonishing  
accuracy and insight. This is all a bit tedious, but helps  
develop characters for people who cannot read them themselves...  
blah blah lonely... blah blah guilty... blah blah outcasts... blah  
blah James... lonely for a very long time.  
  
HARRY: Wow – this is great Hermione, perhaps now you can  
help me with girl trouble when I'm an insensitive prick and  
blame it on girls being strange.  
  
HERMIONE: Absolutely, if you're incapable of normal human  
interaction yourself.  
  
HARRY: That'd be great – but first we have to allow me time  
to be a jealous conceited idiot when the prefect badges arrive.  
  
EVERYONE: What? You didn't get prefect?  
  
RON: Why should he? I mean, he disobeys rules all the time,  
gets his friends and others in danger, duels in the hallways and  
thinks causing Malfoy suffereing is funny, he sneaks around  
under his invisibility cloak and thinks he's outside moral  
boundaries. True, I do most of the same, but at least I'm not  
self righteous about it. So, while it should have probably been  
Dean or Seamus for prefect it does actually kind of make sense  
that I got it instead of Wonder-Boy Potter.  
  
MRS WEASLEY: Oooh – My iccle Ronnikins. My darling precious  
pumpkin pie is prefect. A Prefect! That's everyone in the  
family.  
  
Drumroll please for the funniest line in the entire book...  
  
GEORGE: What are Fred and I? –  
  
PRODUCTION cuts sound just in time to ruin George's crowning  
line...  
  
FRED: Right – bugger this for a lark... George?  
  
GEORGE: Got 'em Fred...  
  
FRED and GEORGE whip out an array of guns to rival the Matrix  
lobby scene and begin blasting the set apart. To the delight of  
all their fans. However, this is also to the delight of one  
Alfonso Cuaron who can use this as an excuse to move the scene  
from a familiar setting to a totally different one.  
  
CUARON: Hooray!  
  
It takes a few hours to get FRED and GEORGE back under control  
so we have to cut to HARRY being introspective, i.e: sulking  
  
HARRY: (forced to say his thoughts aloud for the benefit of  
the AUDIENCE. Who probably couldn't care less) I've been too  
busy with higher thoughts to worry about the Prefect badges, but  
if I had concerned my mind with trivial matters such as this I  
would have expected the badge to come to me. Oh, I'm so honest  
and open.  
  
FRED: You're bloody arrogant mate.  
  
GEORGE: Just 'cos you're Dumbledore's pet doesn't mean  
you're the best.  
  
HARRY: Does this make me as arrogant as Draco Malfoy?  
  
FRED: Yes. You're worse though, because who does Draco have to  
compete with? Crabbe and Goyle!  
  
GEORGE: Course he's gonna get it. You on the other hand have  
decent competition.  
  
HARRY: No, I'm not that arrogant. I am better than Ron or  
Hermione, I've got myself in loads of dangerous situations!  
  
GEORGE: Well done mate.  
  
FRED: Prime prefect material.  
  
HARRY: Maybe Ron has something I don't!  
  
GEORGE: Heaven forbid!  
  
FRED: Like a sense of humility you mean?  
  
FRED and GEORGE then jump Harry, knocking him out with  
chloroform and shoving him in a cupboard. Much to the joy of  
all.  
  
HARRY wakes to a party thrown in RON and HERMIONE'S honour.  
While nobody seemed bothered about RON'S feelings when telling  
HARRY they thought he'd be prefect, everyone is fussing around  
the star's feelings, and trying t omake him believe he's still  
the greatest. Oh to be a celebrity.  
  
SIRIUS: Cheer up, you grumpy bugger. Your equally arrogant  
dad wasn't prefect either.  
  
REMUS: Yep – I got it.  
  
AUTHOR: (swoons) A strong pillar of authority, how I love  
thee.  
  
HARRY: Oh – I'm relieved. I don't want to follow in the  
footsteps of the kindest and most well-rounded character in the  
series, instead I'll keep my dad up on his impossibly high  
pedestal. I only like him because he reminds me so much of me.  
  
SIRIUS: Are you kidding me? You're really not James?  
  
MOODY: Come with me, Harry boy. I want to show you a random  
poster of the original Order so you can see the real threat and  
toll of human life in such dangerous circumstances.  
  
HARRY: Actually – I can't be bothered – I need to go  
upstairs and see exactly the same point delivered in a far more  
personal and touching way.  
  
HARRY goes upstairs where he sees MRS WEASLEY'S Boggart. All her  
children (roll eyes, as Harry is included in this, too) dead.  
  
AUTHOR: You know what? This part is too sweet and touching  
to even try to parody. It's one of my favourite parts in the  
book and I'm not going to taint it. However, this leaves me with  
no way to end the chapter other than...  
  
GEORGE: What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?  
  
The AUDIENCE erupts into riotous laughter. Or they would if they  
had a funny bone in their bodies.

* * *

A/N : I have just read on the main page that writing in script  
form is not allowed. So this may have to be terminated. I could  
try writing it in prose, but I'm not sure it would have the same  
effect. This makes me sad though, because I really enjoy writing  
this. Feedback on if I should/how to continue this would be  
much appreciated.  
  
A slightly sad Sham... 


	11. Look what I found

Disclaimer – Harry Potter, the plot for OotP and all characters and places therein belong to JK Rowling. The characters Alfonso and Chris are mine. Although they closely resemble two other people, their CHARACTERS are fictional.  
  
Hello chums.  
  
Firstly I'd like to say thankyou for everyone's support. I'm very glad people like this fic because I love writing it. I'm still deciding what to do about altering it from script form, as while this obviously works best as a script I don't want to risk angering the big bosses, as I know many people's fics I've read have been pulled off because of this (I thought) new rule. This chapter in the book is a little uneventful, so I've chosen this one to have a fiddle with and try different approaches. I'm not too pleased with the results, but it's given me some ideas. I'm also going to try and post this fic on another site so I can continue writing it in script form, but I'm getting this dally out to you now because I go on a two week holiday tomorrow – so there'll be a little hiatus in The Order of the Phoenix. On THAT sbject - I may change the name of this fic when I get back – as I think the title is a little giveaway... but if I carry on with it under a different name I will keep you posted via my profile.  
  
Anyway, back to THIS chapter...

Look what I found rooting through dustbins – a quick brief of this chapter! How fortunate – and coincidental. From what I can make out it appears to be some jotted notes about the chapter, and advice from several quarters on how to transfer it to film. The 'handwriting' seems to belong as such – The bold font appears to belong to someone named Chris, the italic belongs to an Alfonso (or Alfie as he is known to his friends) and the bold AND italic is uncertain. My guess is that it belongs to the director of the fifth film – and he seems to be slightly sensible at least. (YES! Before you movie fans tell me off as Cuaron is pencilled in for directing the fifth just go with it, OK? This isn't totally serious. Although I'm glad you guys are there to keep me in line when I can't be bothered burrowing into my hordes of Empire and Total Film magazines to check a fact.)  
  
These are in good-natured fun; I do appreciate the tough job that directors have. But I think some of the advice given by our friends Chris and Alfie would be best ignored by Director X.  
  
Oh, but before I reveal to you this Top-Secret document – squirrels brought me something else of interest. Seems to be a letter of some kind... 

* * *

Dear girl-who-is-gonna-be-playing-Luna,  
  
I know that it must be scary for you coming to work with such prestigious and talented actors such as myself, Rupie and Emma, but don't worry, I've put together a little advice sheet for you. This is just to help you act as well as us on screen, and not be overshadowed too much by our brimming talent;  
  
To exclaim – Talk loudly and shrilly with wide open eyes to convey strong feeling or surprise.  
  
To appear offended – Eyebrows to furrow, mouth to become slack and a small 'huh' noise to escape from the lips.  
  
To appear awkward – Look at the floor, twist body from side to side. Girls can bite lip.  
  
To put on a brave face – Smile wonkily and squint.  
  
To sound interested – Raise the pitch of voice at the end of every sentence. Alternate eyebrows between furrowed and raised. Scratch chin?  
  
A pained expression – Like the name says – get someone to hold your balls really tight.  
  
To look angry – Pull corners of mouth downwards and encourage eyebrows to meet in the middle.  
  
That should be enough for you, not much else is really expected.  
  
Hope this helps, Your mate, Dan. 

* * *

Open scene at Platform 9 ¾ after our hero and guards have had to walk to King's Cross Station. We regular-walkers do not sympathise. Sirius has accompanied them in his animagus form – a black dog.  
  
_It'd be well cool if we cud make this a were-dog? Make it stand on its back legs right? We did this for the werewolf and I thought it looked cool. Perhaps half human/half dog/half pineapple? That flies? – Alfionso._  
  
_**No – he's a big black dog, that's it. The werewolf did NOT look cool – it looked like a stick man with hair plastered on. The half-human thing comes from the werewolf actually BEING a human for most of the time then becoming a WOLF on the night of the full moon. MEMO to self – must add backstory behind why they became animagus thanks to this being left out in the 3rd.**_  
  
MOODY says, "All OK. Don't think we were followed."  
  
AUDIENCE likely to say, "What? Harry needed a guard to make sure they weren't followed? To the train station? When EVERYONE knows he's going back to Hogwarts? LUCIUS MALFOY is AT the train station for God's sakes..."  
  
MOODY says, "Sturgis didn't turn up. I'll be reporting him to Dumbledore, that's the second time he's not turned up in a week."  
  
_Cut this dude out. And the dude he's talking about – Alfie._  
  
_**Ignore Alfonso - MUST name drop Sturgis (even if it is almost imperceptible) so audience can't say we didn't already mention him when he becomes important later.**_  
  
HARRY says, "Shall we go find a compartment then?"  
  
RON and HERMIONE look awkward.  
  
HERMIONE says, "Sorry Harry, but we have to go to the Prefect's carriage. Don't worry, I'm sure that being the obviously popular person you are you'll have plenty of company even if your two friends are removed.  
  
HARRY puts on a brave face and searches for someone to be his friend. He cannot, so has to settle for Ron's younger sister, GINNY, and NEVILLE.  
  
They enter a compartment with NEW and INTERESTING character, LUNA LOVEGOOD.  
  
**All new young actors must be run by my personal casting process. i.e. – are they abnormally good looking? If not – send them away. Chris.**  
  
_But this is supposed to be a 'crazy' character, right? – I suggest fright wigs and scary make-up – see my huge success with Sybil Trelawney – Alf  
_  
LUNA is evidently crazy, she is reading a copy of the Quibbler upside down, has protruding, staring eyes, and talks in a dreamy voice. Despite apparently being crazy and therefore supposed to be reputable, due to Harry's self centred and insular life we have never come across her before.  
  
Luna says, "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure"  
  
_I had a look at this book thingy and she does say that. But I don't understand it so I fink you oughtta replace it with somethin about tap dancing spiders... I find that gets a laugh. Alfie._  
  
NEVILLE shows HARRY a plant.  
  
**I find that if you spend a lot of money on making an interesting CG prop with movement that will be on screen for 2 seconds, people wil give you a lot of lee-way with bad plot and script. Check out my mandrakes for further details. A bit of advice from your chum Chris.**  
  
_I reckon this stuff shud be abanda – abanddon – abba – got rid of cos' it's taking up action time! Flying Dementors! Flying Harry! Flying cabbages!!! Alf._  
  
NEVILLE starts to become interesting by showing some expertise in an area Harry isn't a genius in, but have to make him appear stupid by showing him make the plant spurt slimy green liquid. The woes of being comic relief.  
  
CHO CHANG enters for a brief moment to say hello to Harry then blush and leave. People have no problem accepting that this simple gesture means CHO fancies HARRY but deny fervently any sexual tension between Ron and Hermione. Even JK's exasperated, people!  
  
CHO says, "Hello Harry, I'm apparently stunningly beautiful, very popular and a year older than you. What on earth do I see in a troublesome geeky youth? People are probably supposed to feel sorry for me later on, but it is hard for them to sympathise with me when I sweep from one Hogwart's champion to the next. Somehow a fame hungry gold-digger doesn't tug too many heartstrings."  
  
HARRY feels that being in LUNA's company covered in green goo will jeopardise his chances with CHO. However, nobody thought he even HAD chances to ruin, so it makes no odds.  
  
**Wait! This Cho chick's supposed to be hot, right? Well, Hermione was supposed to be plain, and we pick someone really pretty, right? Follow my line of reasoning – gorgeous Cho in the book? I'm thinking 6ft beauty, late teens, DD breasts and ... tell you what, find her then send her to me for my approval. Comprendez? Chris.  
**  
HARRY notices the newspaper in LUNA's hands – the Quibbler.  
  
_Yawn – put in Harry ridin on one of them Hippo-wotsits here..  
  
**Shut up Alfonso – the Quibbler needs to be mentioned as it is important later.**_  
  
Harry has to read the headlines aloud for the audience's attention. This he does in his patented 'interested yet astounded' voice. You know – the one he had when he read the Hogwart's letter. And any time he has the enormously challenging task of reading something aloud.  
  
_Don't care – insert kung fu fighting here._  
  
_**Look – shut up – there are important plot points to be discovered here – you can't just gloss over them with moody scenery and action.**_  
  
_Really?_  
  
HERMIONE and RON return. HARRY is still experiencing rejection for the first time, so is wearing a pained expression as he sees RON, who was favoured over him.  
  
HERMIONE says, "The Quibbler's a load of rubbish, I know all these things about the wizarding world despite being Muggle-born and bred. Baffles me why Ron can't provide some information some of the time."  
  
LUNA says, "My dad's the editor. Remember that if you ever need to do some press conference type announcement. Handy, isn't it?"  
  
**_See?_**  
  
RON says, "By the way Harry, just to make you feel more miserable, Malfoy has achieved what you didn't. Although it's probably time for you to suffer from some inadequacy, the irony is rather cruel, don't you think?"  
  
At this, MALFOY enters.  
  
HARRY snaps, "What? While being cool and calm may gain me some of the upper hand I decide to show Malfoy that his being prefect bothers me even before he has to say a word."  
  
MALFOY says, "Manners, Potter, or I may have to give you a detention. This would be the perfect way to annoy you throughout the year, however, after one brief mention of it I do not seem to put this brilliant plan into action. You see, I unlike you, have been able to act since the first film, and I, unlike you built up a considerable fanbase without being the lead character, and I, unlike you have strangely managed to make a bastard of a character appealing merely by being attractive. Oh yes, and I, unlike you, have been made a prefect.  
  
HARRY says, "But you, unlike me, are a git."  
  
(Here the audience will hurrah, as, although Draco is enticing, this is a hilarious line, and NO-ONE shall remove it. It belongs to the hero, after all.)  
  
MALFOY says, "Tell me, how does it feel being second best to Weasley, Potter?"  
  
HERMIONE says, "Shut up, Malfoy."  
  
HARRY agrees.  
  
RON says, "Hey! Why's that an insult!"  
  
MALFOY says, "I seem to have touched a nerve."  
  
RON says, "I don't see why that's such a huge insult. Why is even Hermione offended by that?! Charming."  
  
MALFOY leaves. Smirking delectably.  
  
_I don't like this. I think Hermione should flick Malfoy and he should run off screaming.  
  
Sample scene:  
  
HERMIONE: What do you want Malfoy?  
  
MALFOY: Ba- bu- bu- - help!  
  
HERMIONE: Get lost  
  
MALFOY: (starts to whimper) Don – don't hurt me!  
  
HERMIONE looks as thought she's about to delicately tap him with her weak and frail arms.  
  
MALFOY runs off crying.  
  
The point being he's really a coward. – Alfie.  
_  
**_I agree that Malfoy is a coward at heart, however, he is also a git. And that kind of git would punch a girl right back if she dared to touch him. He's a coward, but not an excessive wimp._**  
  
Cut to the train arriving at Hogwarts.  
  
_I think a change of scenery would be a great thing. How about in Iceland? In a septic tank?_ _Alf_  
  
HARRY and CO. wait for the familiar sounds of HAGRID shouting – 'firs' years this way. However, it is PROF. GRUBBLY-PLANK that is performing HAGRID's job.  
  
This fuels may people's suspicions that HAGRID is the one to die in this book. Several members of the audience begin to wail. Several more who know who actually DOES die sob even louder.  
  
HARRY, however, has little time to dwell on this as he is startled by the appearance of THESTRALS.  
  
HARRY exclaims, "What are those horse things?"  
  
These horse things are THESTRALS. Creepy black, dragon like horses. You can see them only after you've witnessed death. It's amazing how this has been mentioned by no-one in HARRY's four years at Hogwarts. That said, HARRY seems to have selective hearing – hearing only things concerning himself, or supposed to be not concerning him in any way.  
  
_These horse-thiungumy's? Can they fly? And breathe fire? Perhaps Harry can ride one like my favourite boy Leo DiCaprio? This would make me very happy – Alfie._  
  
RON says, "What horses? You feeling alright Harry?  
  
HARRY says, "Yeah ..."  
  
RON, says, "Oh God, it's going to be like you speaking Parseltongue again isn't it? And instead of doing the sensible thing and ask what they could be, you'd rather sit in your own anxiety and let it build to overwhelming importance, wouldn't you? Why don't you ask Hermione? I'm sure it's in Hogwarts: A History.  
  
HARRY says, "No, I'd rather assume that Luna and I have a shared hallucination than do the sensible thing and ask someone like Dumbledore. I can make a bigger deal of it this way you see.  
  
RON rolls his eyes as the carriage moves off. 

* * *

Hope you could stand this – don't worry – the script version will be up in cyber space soon after I get back hopefully.  
  
Anyway, I'll see you all after my jolly holiday, taraaa! 


End file.
